Friday the 13th - A New Beginning

Written by El Fangorio

For all you sleazehounds out there, I highly recommend Part 5 (the one without Jason -- oops). It's directed by Danny Steinmann who did Savage Streets, which should be more than enough cred to those in the know. If that's not enough, the man is better known as Danny Stone, director of countless ‘70s porno films. And it shows in all aspects of this film (especially the dialogue).

This is also the installment that started the franchise's quick regression from showcasing bodycounts and gore to only showing the after-effects of each kill (if at all). After this one, the producers mistake their audience for people who just want to see Jason doing his thing -- which is basically standing in the rain looking a hundred pounds heavier than the last film.

But most importantly, this is the one that the producers, along with cast and crew, are most embarrassed about because of the atmosphere that Steinmann created on the set, which was much like a porno. While filming the sex scenes he be would standing off to the side saying, "Yeah. fuck her! Fuck her! Get her good!" It caused one of the actresses to stop the biz completely she was so traumatized by him.

In the end, you get absolutely no gore (not a drop -- all the kills are done off screen), and not even Jason. But you get a mom calling her son a "fucking dildo," you get the black kid that got joint-molested with Arnold on Different Strokes, and you have some really hot girls and boys that look straight out of the porn industry (I guarantee the dudes are from gay porn since they were the only ones with abs in the ‘80s). The lead, who was a born-again Christian, prayed for days before accepting the role, fearing it might not be the right thing to do. A born-again with abs in the ‘80s. Big surprise.

I just know that most of you will enjoy Part 5. Whereas the rest of the chapters just plain suck, this one is at least entertaining for all the wrong reasons and a milestone in that it changed the tone of the series for the rest of its duration.

All of my trivia is taken from the highly recommended book Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday The 13th by Peter M. Bracke in case you are looking for more.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Blu-ray)

Written by El Fangorio

This film sucks. I hate it. I gave it three chances: once in the theater on opening day, once at a drive-in, and this last time on Blu-ray. Each and every time, I hated it (with the drive-in being the most painless). And let me state for the record that I love the franchise almost as much as I love the Star Wars trilogy. I love them in the order that they were made (yes, Temple of Doom over Last Crusade; I am willing to fight over it) and find them pretty much flawless. Granted I was the perfect age for them but then so was everyone (parents included) and you would think that if Lucas and Spielberg decided that after 20 years, it was worth bringing Indy back, that it must have been for a hell of a good reason. Why did I think the man that used to be “George Lucas” (seriously, who is this hack imposter?) would be capable of pulling this off? He sucks. He takes great pleasure in taking something beloved and making it totally asinine. Did I mention yet how much this film sucks?

Let’s start with the mandatory-to-the-series opening shot where, in all three prior films, the opening Paramount logo (the mountain) dissolves into the opening shot of the film, matching it perfectly. In Raiders, it segues into a mountain in South America; in Temple of Doom, it’s a gong in the Club Obi-Wan; and in The Last Crusade, it becomes a cliff in some landscape from Indy’s past. This one opens up on a fucking CGI groundhog hill (you know because it costs so much to build a real one these days) and out pops a fucking CGI prairie dog (because apparently they’re extinct now) to let us know that from here on out, this film is going to blow.

Still, this apparent crossover from Over the Hedge is only the tip of the digitally manipulated iceberg. There are CGI monkeys (because real ones are invisible to the camera eye and cannot be filmed) and CGI giant ants (because real ones don’t exist because God knew how damn stupid they would look). There’s a big CGI triple-decker waterfall and everyone goes “whoooaaaaa” every time they go over a level, each time surfacing from the 500-story foot drops onto the jagged rocks below, unscathed and laughing. There’s also a CGI warehouse, a CGI Russian camp, a CGI jungle, a CGI plane, a CGI Classroom, a CGI Library, a CGI Mountain, a CGI temple with a big CGI entrance…the only thing that isn’t CGI are the actors which would have all been better off computer generated.

Starting with Harrison Ford. Did he have a stroke and not tell anyone? Throughout the entire film, he acts like a retarded old man that doesn’t understand what’s going on. The film could just as easily been called Regarding Henry Jones. As for the eagerly awaited return of Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen)? Her performance is totally ruined, likely by an intake of anti-depressants from being out of work for so long. Seriously. She doesn’t stop smiling for the entire duration of the film and looks insane. As for their son Mutt, I have to admit, I was shocked to find that the one thing I thought could sink the film (I was so naïve) was actually the only thing that didn’t. Shia LaBeouf (“not quite a nerd, not quite a hunk”) is actually decent. His lines are all tailor-made for his already patented delivery so it’s kind of hard to fail on his part. Wait a minute, he totally sat back and let George and Steven run this idea by him and said “I’ll do it”: We want you to swing on CGI vines with CGI monkeys through a CGI jungle. So forget what I said. Shia LaBeouf, you’re an asshole! Oh yeah, Cate Blanchett is in it and believe it or not, she sucks. She does. Watch it and tell me how scary she is compared to Raiders’ Toht, Doom’s Mola Ram, and Last Crusade’s…well, just compare her to those first two. She sucked! And oh my god….John Hurt. I’ll say he did, too. What an awful, awful role.

And what an awful, awful film (for lack of a better transition). Still, George and Steven have a pretty good excuse: they’re almost 70 years old. Swear to god. How many films does your grandpa direct? Whatever. Lucas has been rolling out the stinkrockets for a loooong time now. He is no longer “George Lucas”. He is one of the lizards from V (that’s a guinea pig lodged in his throat) that plans on making the whole world CGI. As for Spielberg, he made Jaws (and about 15 other total masterpieces), but that doesn’t excuse his going along with this script. To think he actually sat there and listened to George suggest that Indy should survive an atomic fucking blast by hiding in a refrigerator (“we’ll show a close-up of the label on the door indicating that it’s made of lead so we should be fine”)? Next time, just keep it to yourselves. You are obviously too out of touch with today’s film audience, which is pretty much the same one you entertained the first three times out of the park.

Indian Jones and the Crystal of the Kingdom Skulls of Tinytown (or whatever the hell it’s called) is on Blu-ray. Hoo-ray. And like my dear old grandmother used to say, “You can’t polish a turd.” It’s still the same film so who cares? And truth be told, I wasn’t that impressed with the picture quality. Yes, you can see detail down to the individual hairs on their heads, the tiny threads of their costumes, the deep cavernous wrinkles of the skin on almost all of the actors but everything else around them is fake and now really looks like it. And director of photography Janusz Kaminski’s typical unrestrained lighting schemes do not help. The promise Spielberg made early on in production that he and Kaminski were going to try their best to make this film look like the originals? All lies. Yes, they shot on film (instead of digital) but they still ran it through a computer and manipulated the hell out of it. Check out the subtle lighting in just the classroom scene. Those students are literally glowing like something from the afterlife. It’s this kind of photography (hyper-overexposure) that is the proverbial smoke and mirrors as it helps to blend what is real and what is digital but it’s as if the format is working against it, revealing all its digital trickery.

As for the audio, you really can’t go wrong here. Granted the skin-crawling banter between Ford and Allen is there in all it’s TrueHD 5.1 glory but then so are the action sequences that at least sound real even if they do look like a video game. The score by regular collaborator John Williams isn’t as memorable as you’d like (okay, you hum the new theme then) but it sounds great and is never incidental. So if you’re into purchasing Blu-rays based solely on sound design, or if you’re blind, then I would definitely recommend this purchase. But only you guys.

As for the special features available, all are taken over from the standard DVD release except they are all shown in HD which is always nice even if it like putting a silk scarf on a pig in this case. There’s a Pre-Production Featurette (11:00) and a plain old featurette titled “The Return of a Legend” (17:34) along with a longer production diary titled “Making Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” which clocks in at a healthy 80 minutes. There is absolutely no mention of Harrison Ford’s stroke, Karen Allen’s addiction to goofballs, or Lucas and Spielberg’s playing an enormous joke on the fans so I wouldn’t trust anything this “special” feature has to say. Also, divided into six parts (to make it look longer) are various clips about various crap (most of it CGI). There are also three pre-vis sequences that prove how difficult it is to film actual animals and locations and why everything from now on should be CGI. There are two art galleries and one of these is easily the only worthwhile thing on the release: Stan Winston Studio. Okay, I have to go cry now ‘cause he’s dead. It was this film that did it I tell you. Last but not least, there are some production photos showing everyone having a good time at the expense of the fans. There are also portraits and behind-the-scenes photographs, which apparently aren’t the same as production photos.

So what are you running for? Sit, don’t stand and reconsider watching this film lest you risk tarnishing the admiration you have for this franchise and its creators. It’s a serious mess with flaws of such a ridiculous level. Seriously, the kind you only see in poorly made films (how in the fuck did Indy and Mutt go from that holding room where Hurt’s character was supposed to be to the top of that mountain where all the idiots hop in and out of holes?). Here’s to hoping that Lucas holes himself up at the Skywalker Assisted Living Ranch and that Spielberg’s hearing aide is turned off the next time his buddy has a great idea for a movie.

ICONS OF HORROR

Written by El Fangorio

Following their Icons of Adventure box set released earlier in the year comes Sony’s Icons of Horror series, a quartet of genre films heralding from Britain’s legendary Hammer Studios. All of them are premiering on DVD for the first time, making it a special release indeed, as most haven’t been seen since the days (nights) of the late, late show. They all herald from the ‘60s with each title offering something unique, making it perfect for those nights when only a certain type of horror film will do. There’s three that star Christopher Lee, there’s two that involve monsters, there’s one that’s filmed in black and white, and there’s two that are shot in widescreen. Best of all, they all clock in at under 90 minutes.

Starting off on disc one is 1960’s The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll, starring Paul Massie, Dawn Adams, and Christopher Lee. The good Dr. Jekyll, in his efforts to study the darker side of man, injects himself with a serum that causes his inner demons to manifest as his alter ego, Mr. Hyde. When Dr. J. finds out his wife is having an affair, it’s up to the good doctor to try and keep his senses lest his alter ego catches wind. This version isn’t too much different than others except that they chose to make Hyde less of a monster and more of a predatory ladies man, which is, let’s face it, not real scary. It doesn’t help that the make-up effects consist solely of facial hair for Jeckyll and smooth-shaven for Hyde, making it all the more unbelievable when nobody notices it’s the same person. It’s easily the weakest of the four titles at hand but is more than justified by it’s scrumptious color cinematography, shot in the 2.35:1 aspect ratio, and mercifully short running time.

Disc one continues with the series’ other widescreen outing, The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb. Released in 1964 and directed by Hammer studio head Michael Carreras, Curse is the second of Hammer’s Mummy sequels and is known to many fans as not only the worst of the series but also the worst of the entire Hammer collection. The story is typical mummy fare with an undiscovered tomb being desecrated by scholars, resulting in an ancient curse and a resurrected wrapped one. With its history, I was expecting a lot worse but was pleasantly surprised to find the mummy sequences to be well-shot and exciting and at times, even a little gory.

Disc two opens up with one of the most anticipated Hammer releases, 1964’s The Gorgon. Playing a lot like their earlier The Reptile, The Gorgon opens up with the mysterious death of a local villager at the hands of an unseen creature. The townspeople prefer to turn a blind eye to the incidents, fearing local legends of a monster that can turn people to stone, leaving the mystery to be solved by the victim’s relative. From its decaying castles to misty forests, the look of The Gorgon is pure Hammer at its finest. Another outing directed by Terrence Fisher with an emphasis on style, this is a great example of how the studio was able to revamp early gothic horror via eye-popping color. The title creature, almost always in shadows, is one of the best and truly eerie.

Capping off the collection and, in my honest opinion, saving the best for last, is Scream of Fear. It tells the timeless tale of the already-fragile heiress (this time played by Susan Strasberg) who comes home from the asylum only to start seeing corpses (again). Is she relapsing? Or is this like every Jimmy Sangster script ever written? Needless to say, this had already been done several times by Hammer and Sangster, namely with Paranoiac and Nightmare, but who cares? This time it’s the best. Strasberg is a hell of a screamer and for good reason: those creepy-ass run-ins with her father’s corpse are some real shockers. Filmed in glorious high-contrast b&w, Scream of Fear is a textbook example of what the format was still capable of and thanks to Sangster’s script, the pace is never dull.

Sony does the Hammer fan proud by giving all of these transfers the high-definition treatment. They truly look spectacular with two of the titles, Mummy and Jekyll being their original versions, preserving some minor cussing and an extended ending for the latter. All transfers are anamorphic with digital mono audio, always sounding crisp and clean. Alas, the only special features offered are each of the titles’ theatrical trailers, which also look stunning (The Gorgon’s being the rarely seen British version). It also bears noting that the cover artwork was voted on by the fans in a web poll, proving just to what extent Sony went to make the Monster Kids happy.

JACK FROST (Remastered Deluxe Edition)

Written by El Fangorio

Just in time for Halloween comes this Christmas classic that opens up on Groundhog’s Day. Marketing strategies aside, one may take refuge in knowing that it’s by those maestros of stop-motion puppetry, Arthur Rankin and Jules Bass. They are, of course, the creators of such holiday staples as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Yuletide television favorites that still get annual airings some 40 years later.

The story of Jack Frost, he of nose-nipping fame, is told by world famous groundhog, Pardon-Me-Pete (Buddy Hackett). Pete explains the relationship between his seeing his own shadow and the resulting extra month of winter that allows Jack to spread his frosty cheer. Pete also goes on to tell the story of how Jack once sacrificed his own immortality and winter wizardry to be human so that he could stay with the one woman he loved. Of course we all know that this never works out and that no human being is worth the loss of super-awesome super powers.

Though not as obscure as some of their other titles (Leprechaun’s Christmas Gold and First Christmas Snow come to mind), Jack Frost has been content to sit in the shadows of its more popular December brethren until the Family Channel picked it up as part of their annual programming a few years back.

Now, thanks to the people at Warners, Jack Frost comes to us as a remastered deluxe edition, putting to shame the earlier transfers found on its various digital incarnations, most of which were public domain. While the picture quality alone is worth the small price tag, this release still could have benefited from some better special features. One would think that the R&B vaults would be brimming with behind-the-scenes footage but the only extras on hand here are a few sing-a-longs and a segment called “Totally Cool Crafty Creations.” This thankfully short bonus would be better off titled “Three Disasters Waiting To Happen,” with one of the recipes even calling for a bag of Sodium Polyacrylate. Trailers for other Warner titles round out the package.

THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES (Blu Ray)

Written by El Fangorio

Thanks to the phenomenal success of The Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter series, these days pretty much any children’s book can be made into a film franchise so long as it contains a wizard, a dragon, or an ogre. The Spiderwick Chronicles series of books, written by Holly Black and illustrated by Tony Diterlizzi, tells the adventures of the three Grace siblings, twins Jared and Simon, and their older sister Mallory, after they move into the mysterious Spiderwick Mansion and discover a world of faeries, goblins, and other magical beasties. Condensing the five novels into one story, the film does a great job of keeping it simple enough for those unfamiliar with the series without disappointing the fans. Most importantly, it’s one of those rare instances where a genre film keeps its fantasy rooted in reality so that the viewer can understand what’s going on without having to be enrolled in wizard school. The film is further aided by the work of its talented young cast, some stellar voice acting, and a bevy of impressive creature effects.

Arthur Spiderwick (David Strathairn) has dedicated his life to studying the secret world around us, something he discovered by accident. Invisible to the naked eye, this realm is populated by creatures that live amongst us either as friend or foe, preserving peace or creating chaos. All of his discoveries are kept in a large tome called Arthur Spiderwick’s Field Guide to the Fantastical World Around You. In it are highly detailed records of how each species came to be, where it lives, and what its various strengths and weaknesses are. Spiderwick soon learns the danger of recording all their secrets when the evil ogre Mulgarath learns of the book and seeks it as a means to conquer and destroy. Arthur decides to protect himself and the book by hiding it and placing a magic protective barrier around the house. Not knowing of the book and the dangerous world around her, his six year-old daughter Lucinda is attacked by one of the invisible creatures hoping to use her to find the book. Arthur is able to save the child but not before a legion of fairies step in to aid him by whisking him away safely to their world, leaving Lucinda fatherless and with one hell of a story for the police.

Cut to present day as Helen Grace (Mary Louise-Parker), along with her three children, twins Jared and Simon (both played by Freddy Highmore) and their older sister Mallory (Sarah Bolger), has moved into the creepy Spiderwick Estate after Aunt Lucinda has given it to her. We learn that Lucinda (now 86) has been in a psychiatric hospital ever since her encounter with the invisible world, presumably since nobody would believe her story.

Later that night, Jared hears something moving in the walls. He breaks into the wall and discovers a hidden dumbwaiter that leads to a secret room. It’s Arthur’s study and locked away in a trunk is the field guide. There is a warning on the book from great-great uncle Arthur saying to never open it. Of course Jared ignores the warning and stays up all night reading about the unseen world around him. One of the creatures he reads about, a ‘brownie,’ sounds like the one he may have heard rustling in the walls. He learns that they are appeased by honey and after finding out what “appease” means by his smarter half Simon, Jared sets out to find the creature by sitting up all night in the secret room.

He awakens to ThimbleTack who tells him all about the book and it’s importance. He explains that magical creatures are invisible but can reveal themselves at will. He also tells him of the protective barrier around the house and gives him a stone with a hole in it that allows one to see these fantastic creatures. He warns him though that since he opened the book, that there will be others coming to find it. Per usual, nobody believes Jared about the book he found. It isn’t until Simon is snatched away by Mulgrath’s goblins that Jared is able to convince his sister that there is an unseen battle going on that needs their help.

The Spiderwick Chronicles is a good example of what you get when the right creative team takes on the right material. Because the market is so saturated with fantasy films for children, lesser-known works such as this are going to need a little extra help in front of and behind the cameras in order to compete with the more popular films being made. It’s not that Spiderwick isn’t a solid story but let’s face it, it isn’t the first time we’ve seen children battling ogres. In fact, it isn’t even the first time we’ve seen the lead actor battling foul creatures invisible to the naked eye.

Easily the hardest-working kid in showbiz right now, Freddy Highmore (Finding Neverland, Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, The Golden Compass) has been through this before and you’d be forgiven for skipping this film thinking you’ve already seen it as it’s almost the same premise as his earlier Arthur and the Invisibles. But whereas that film was animated, Spiderwick is a live-action film and for my money, a far superior one. There is a more palpable sense of awe and wonder when watching real humans react to their fictional surroundings than watching their animated counterparts doing the same. It’s also worth noting that Highmore plays dual roles in this film, playing both of the twins, and does an excellent job when you consider the only physical difference between the two is a haircut.

Rounding out the rest of the family is actress Sarah Bolger who plays Mallory Grace. As with British actor Highmore, this actress also has a thick foreign accent (Irish in her case) off camera though you would never know it to watch her here. She has some nice dialogue to work with here (due to John Sayles’ tweaking of the screenplay) being the sarcastic teenage sister, and her delivery is quite good. Unfortunately, Helen Grace could have been played by anybody so Louise-Parker's acting chops are hardly given a workout here but this is fine since we rarely see her character in the film anyways. In fact, most of the action takes place while she’s sleeping or at work. The rest of the Spiderwick clan amount to little more than cameos with Joan Plowright as Aunt Lucinda and ‘80s teen-film staple Andrew McCarthy as the recently split Mr. Grace.

The rest of the film is populated with CGI characters with perfectly cast actors providing their voices. Martin Short plays ThimbleTack, the gentle Brownie that turns into a hot-tempered ‘Boggart’ when he doesn’t get his honey, and his penchant for playing overtly stressed-out characters is no different here. Also playing one of the good guys is Seth Rogan as Hogsqueal the Hobgoblin. Typical of anything he does, Hogsqueal is hilarious as the pig/bat/monkey fusion with serious attention deficit disorders. The bad guys are just as impressive with Nick Nolte playing the evil Mulgrath and Ron Pearlman in an uncredited role, voicing the henchman Redcap, leader of the goblins.

As with most genre films of today, this one places its main title sequence at the end of the film. This is always a hindrance when you end up spending the entire time trying to figure out “who’s playing that voice?” but in this case it’s a testament to the technical crew when you end up being impressed by what you see without knowing (ahead of time) that some huge names are responsible. In this case, we have the recently accomplished director Mark Waters (Mean Girls, Freaky Friday (2003)), cinematographer Caleb Deschanel (The Black Stallion, The Passion), and special creature effects by Phil Tippet (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back). These are some pretty impressive credentials and their work on Spiderwick sets it apart from the rest of the children’s films being made right now. The film is shot beautifully and the creatures look awesome, especially Mulgrath once he shows his real face (they don’t cater to the easily frightened with this guy). It also helps that Nickelodeon Movies produced this film, meaning kids can say “hell” and mass amounts of phlegmy substances will be flown.

All of this makes for a great Blu-Ray viewing experience as pretty much anything that relies on CGI effects is going to be infinitely better when viewed in high definition. Needless to say, Spiderwick’s Blu-ray is a definite improvement over its SD release. Deschanel’s striking photography compliments the digital effects on display and both are rendered beautifully in HD. He doesn’t fill the screen with overtly saturated colors instead relying on a natural palette, making it harder to toss it all off as being “done by a computer”. Black levels are pitch perfect (Mulgrath’s crow comes to mind) and there isn’t a single grain to be found. If there is anything to complain about, it might be that it suffers the same fate as most HD transfers in that it’s got an overall darkness that is most likely the result of the studio wanting to make sure the consumer doesn’t confuse intentional film grain as film noise. This is unfortunately a practice that will continue until everyone realizes that HD doesn’t mean “without grain.”

Its audio, here in Dolby 5.1 TrueHD is a little on the soft side at times. I would assume this is because it’s a children’s film though I hardly doubt they kept that in mind when creating Mulgrath so why can’t his scenes be equally as powerful in this department? The rest of the film sounds fine and the score by James Horner is nicely enhanced, though it does sound an awful lot like his Something Wicked This Way Comes (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing).

The Spiderwick Chronicles comes with a plethora of supplemental features though I will never understand the process behind splitting up over an hours worth of footage over seven parts, especially now that everyone knows the sham. You can’t list a making-of feature with a running time of 18 minutes and expect people to be impressed. Instead, break it up into three six-minute featurettes and you give the impression of there being more than there really is. But here we have at least an hour’s worth of extras and, trust me, a 75-minute documentary on the making of Spiderwick would have been more than enough justification to go the old route. It is worth noting that all of the special features are presented here in HD.

First off is “Spiderwick: It’s All True!” which is little more than a six-minute intro by the director. As with the rest of the initial supplements, the information given is as if this magic really exists. Mark Waters tells us that he’s a firm believer in all of this and that you should be too. He asks us to protect ourselves with the tools from the film so that we can watch the rest of the features without worrying about Mulgrath and Co. coming to get us. Kind of cute (a word I rarely use).

Next is the seven-minute “It’s a Spiderwick World” which further blurs the line between fantasy and reality with author and illustrator of The Spiderwick Chronicles informing us of the origin of the series. Apparently they received a letter from the Grace children themselves, though the kids’ real names have been changed here (to protect them from ogres and inevitable asylums). The letter described the story of discovering the Field Guide and their venture into the unseen world around them. Black decided to put this all in story form, while her partner Diterlizzi came up with the impressive illustrations that make up the Field Guide used in the series of books. To be honest, this was a little too much for me to chew on and made me want to back away slowly from the couple. Still, kids are sure to eat this up and I sort of wish I wasn’t so old and cynical to enjoy the ruse.

“Arthur Spiderwick’s Field Guide” is a cool way to see the pages of the book, their beautiful illustrations, and the helpful info used to describe each species. It’s obviously inspired by the popular Gnomes book from the ‘70s. Like the film itself, it’s kept simple and a good way to brush up on the creatures and the various protections used to ward them off. Exclusive to the HD release is a “Virtual Field Guide” option that allows you to access the book during key scenes of the film. For example, when Hogsqueal enters the scene for the first time, a little icon appears where if you access it with the remote, you will be taken to his section within the book.

The remaining three featurettes are production-based with nobody claiming that’s it’s all true. These are lengthier pieces ranging from 15 to 20 minutes in length. You get some nice on-set interviews with the cast in “Spiderwick: Meet the Clan”. Again, it’s hard to believe that these American characters are played by heavy-accented foreigners but then again who hasn’t walked around on St Patty’s Day pretending to be a Leprechaun? I imagine it’s just the reverse for them. It also includes some fun footage of Rogan working on the voice of Hogsqueal. “The Making of Spiderwick” is just that as it details everything from production design to props to stuntwork. Interviews with key players behind the cameras are here. Finally, “The Magic of Spiderwick” focuses on the key players in post-production including Phil Tippet and his company of animators. There is also some nice footage of the different forms that Mulgrath took before deciding to go ‘the scary route’. Also included are three deleted scenes (character scenes, no extra monsters) and the film’s theatrical teaser and trailer.

The Spiderwick Chronicles is an easy recommendation, both as a film and as a Blu-ray. With so many densely storied fantasy films on the market, it’s easy to forget to how successful they can be when kept simple. Now that I’ve seen it, I totally regret not catching it in the theater, let alone in Imax. Again, it’s not a coincidence that practically everyone involved, from in front of the camera to behind, is some of the best working today. It’s a perfect mix of talent from the past (Deschanel, Tippet, Short) and present (Walker, Highmore, Rogan) coming together to make a pretty perfect film. My only gripe is that being a conglomerate of all of the books in the series, this inevitably means that this Spiderwick film will be the only Spiderwick film to come. Alas, I would have loved to see more.

KING OF THE GYPSIES

Written by El Fangorio

Okay, this is what happens to the discerning viewer within the first 20 minutes of watching 1979’s King of the Gypsies:

Ethnic music starts to play. Sounds Italian. You may even say to yourself, “Kind of sounds like The Godfather.” Credits start to roll. Sterling Hayden (“Love that guy. Can’t be playing a gypsy though”), Shelley Winters (“Fat and awesome”), Susan Sarandon (“She’ll make a good bug-eyed gypsy”), Judd Hirsch (“No shit? I wish he was my shrink!”), Brooke Shields (“Dude. Some major star power going on here”), Annette O’Toole (“Another natural beauty of the ‘70s. Keep ‘em coming”), Annie Potts (“Ghostbusters!”), and introducing Eric Roberts (“I thought Star80 was his first”).

Fade-in to a gypsy camp during the 1950s while Eric Roberts’ heavy Brooklyn-accented voice-over describes the life of the gypsy. He says it’s great being a gypsy. You’re immune to a lot of laws because you have no birth certificate, therefore you don’t exist in the system. The world is pretty much yours for the taking. You’ll never know an honest day’s work and still live a rich man’s life.

A car bursts into the camp, causing quite the commotion. Out steps the self-proclaimed ‘King and Queen of the Gypsies’ played by…Sterling Hayden and Shelley Winters. He’s got a spray-painted dark beard that resembles burnt cat hair, while she sports long black locks and smokes a Sherlock Holmes pipe. This lily-white Colonel Sanders type is supposed to be King of the Gypsies? Is that a red flag I see?

The leaders of this camp approach the couple. More familiar faces as he’s from Godfather II and his wife is that creepy subway lady from Jacob’s Ladder. The two leaders bicker over the arranged marriage of their two children. Sterling and Winters’ son, Groffo, is to marry this couple’s daughter, Rose, but she does not want to marry him. A promise is a promise though. They will let the elders decide.

Cut to a gypsy bash later that night where the elders decide that the children do not need to get married. They also demand that the King needs to stop calling himself as such and haul ass back to New York where he belongs. The King resents being “fucked like a three-dollar whore” and drives off but not before kidnapping their daughter and running over a few gypsies in the process. Probably not the best way to handle public relations with future in-laws but gypsies are crazy.

The rest of the credits roll: Music by David Grisman (“Never heard of him”), edited by Paul Hirsch (“De Palma’s boy. Very cool”), Director of Photography Sven Nykvist (“Hoorah! I know I’m happy”), produced by Dino De Laurentiis (“Uh-Oh”), and directed by Frank Pierson (“Who is he?”). Better check the IMDB.

It is at the IMDB that you will learn the track record of Mr. Frank Pierson. Let’s see, he makes his first feature film in 1969, The Looking Glass War. It must have bombed because he doesn’t make another film until 1976, the remake of A Star is Born starring Barbara Streisand’s wardrobe, which despite being one of the biggest turkeys known to man, still made a katrillion-jillion dollars thanks to her fanbase alone. The film gods give Pierson one more chance and send him Dino. It is here, with King of the Gypsies, that you will notice his filmography ends, not to pick up again for another seven years (kind of like bad credit), where it will be limited to only TV work. Needless to say, this is red flag #12 and it’s only the prologue.

The arranged couple grows up to be Judd Hirsch and Susan Sarandon, who in turn have two children, David and Tita. These kids learn from an early age, the virtues of gypsy life, which is to lie, cheat, and steal anything that isn’t nailed to the floor. Sarandon (alternating between various accents) is the breadmaker in the family, usually conning the rich out of their money with her fortune telling. The father is a raging alcoholic that beats the kids for trying to attend school.

Soon little David is in on the act, accompanying his mother to a high-end jeweler where they put on a production involving the kid pissing on the floor and distracting officials long enough for him to swallow a big diamond. Cut to a close-up of the kid’s pooper sitting on a rusty saucepan, his hand scratching his butt cheek the entire time. A high-pitched fart is heard, followed by a plinking sound as the diamond shoots out of his ass.

It is now official: the King of the Gypsies, both literally and figuratively, is going to be a shitter.

But unlike most bad movies, Dino’s films are usually a blast to watch. For not only does the DEG logo come with the promise of high production values and star power galore, most importantly it comes with trash. His King Kong, Orca, Flash Gordon, White Buffalo are all shameless rip-offs of more famous films and King of the G’s is no different with its sprawling tale, covering three generations of a strong ethnic family and their struggle to retain power over all others. There are marriage montages, baptism montages, and crime montages. In other words, it’s a big fat Godfather rip-off.

We get one more incarnation of David at the age of nine, running away from the sordid drama of gypsy life and hitting the streets, before Eric Roberts enters the role. Though he is estranged from his family and their people, he still relies on scams to make a living (walking into traffic in the hopes of getting hit, feigning a spill at a supermarket). When he’s not on the make, he’s partying with the upper elite as “everyone wants to make it with a gypsy.” I assume so long as they don’t smell like one and they look like a young Eric Roberts. (Gypsies don’t have computers, right? Just making sure).

Finally, he decides to go legit and finds work as a singing waiter. It is here in the story that the family locates him in the hopes of seeing him return and taking up the role of King of the Gypsies. Grandfather has died and left the role of king to David. Sibling Tita has grown into the beautiful Brooke Shields (here wearing the worst black wig this side of October 31st) but she is still the victim of her father’s abuse. She has been sold, as is the gypsy tradition, to be married. Worse yet, she hates her future husband, as he is fat and ugly. Will David take up the crown and use his power to stop this arrangement? Will his father, already scorned for being passed over as the next king, let David stand in his way to make a buck from this marriage?

It’s interesting that few viewers point out how bad this film is. In fact, most fans seem to recollect this one with nothing but fond memories. Of course most of these people list the shot of Sarandon’s tits as the highlight of the film. Scary stuff considering said scene is the result of Hirsch’s character ripping open her blouse and forcing their grown adult son onto her, the whole time yelling “fuck her. Go on fuck her!” Classy.

I will agree that Eric Roberts (here looking even prettier than his famous sister) does a good job in the film. In later years, his straight-to-video roles would rarely allow him to display some of the raw emotion that landed him his next role in Star80. There is even some eerie foreshadowing to that film when, later on, we see his character brandishing a shotgun, his face splattered with blood. As for the rest of the cast, all have done much better work on other projects.

Fans will be doing a gypsy jig when they get their grubby thieving hands on Legend Films’ recent release. Taken from the vaults over at Paramount, the 1.78 anamorphic transfer does a great job at preserving an otherwise beautiful looking film. Nykvist’s tendencies to use natural lighting and soft-focus can make for a difficult transfer but not here as the results are excellent. There are a few moments of heavy grain but that was probably intentional as these are mostly during low-lit exterior scenes. We are given one sound option, that being its original mono audio track. Subtitles would have been beneficial as many of the actors sound like a cross between French vamp and Brooklyn vampire. Once again, Legend Films wisely uses the film’s original artwork for the DVD case. There are no other extras, not even a trailer so it may not warrant an actual purchase.

I say Dino De Laurent-it, and if that fails, steal it!

THE OPTIMISTS

Written by El Fangorio

When you first look at the artwork for Paramount’s 1973 film The Optimists, you would be think it’s a musical. It’s got a colorfully drawn image of Peter Sellers in period costume, smiling away, holding a ukulele and clicking his heels. There’s even a cute little mutt next to him, standing on its hind legs, seemingly dancing. Within this illustration is imagery implying more dancing and singing. Even the lettering used for the title has little suns and stars within its bright blue and gold font, implying sunny days and golden moments of happiness. Alas, you’d be better off sitting outside in the rain writing a suicide letter, than trying to ring some cheerfulness out of this dreary little flick. A self-proclaimed pessimist, I have no problem admitting that I hated The Optimists.

The film concerns itself with the poor ex-vaudevillian Sam (Peter Sellers) who is trying to make a living as a street musician singing the songs of a time gone by that obviously nobody cares about anymore. Even his feeble dog’s attempt at feigning a lame leg seems to go unnoticed by the busy passerby, that is until it catches the attention of two children, siblings Liz and Mark (Donna Mulane and John Chaffey). Their boredom, matched with the unwelcoming situations going on back home, cause them to gravitate towards this seemingly cheerful character and his cute little mongrel. At first Sam is annoyed by their presence as he’s become somewhat jaded of children being alone for so long, but they soon grow on him as he realizes that they look to him for some sort of parental guidance. He goes on to show them some of the important lessons in life (such as responsibility, hard work, even death) and in the end, though the sun still hasn’t come out, they’ve all learned that life isn’t all that bad even in the dreary old perpetually muddy slums of London.

First off, this film isn’t a musical. The only tunes to be heard are the little numbers he plays for the public and though they are certainly more enjoyable than his lack of tips would imply, they are few and short. As for dancing, the dog hopping on one leg is the closest thing you’re going to get. Even that is sort of depressing as again, nobody gives a shit if he’s crippled. Did I mention the dog dies? Now you don’t have to watch the film.

It’s also important to note that this film was originally made with Danny Kaye in mind who would have probably made all the difference since, even when he’s playing a sad man, he still looks like the friendly type you just want to hug and pet on the head. Sellers, probably because he wanted to show a more dramatic side to his persona (this is still six years before Chance the Gardner), plays this part with too much seriousness. I’m pretty sure he would scare most kids, eventually warming up to them and boring them to death.

As for the kids, they do a decent enough job. Like most British children in film, everything they do seems more charming than their American counterparts. I’m pretty sure all parents wish their kids talked with funny British accents and acted like little adults. I know I would if I had children.

The setting are just as cheerless as the kids come from a rotten home where the dad works all day in the factory and the mom stays at home bitching about it. They are so poor that the little boy has to crap in a plastic bowl. Sam also lives in squalor with the pained memories of his dead wife who he still talks about as if she were alive. He’s probably even a little daft but that is to be expected given his situation. Needless to say, these usually don’t make for uplifting cinematic moments unless there’s Gene Wilder and a nearby candy factory involved.

Also, this film takes place entirely on overcast days, making this one dreary little flick. It’s too rainy to even be a ‘rainy-day movie.’ I would understand if it was so that the inevitable breaking of the sun in the end would indicate that all is well again but even then, the sky stays gray. If you’re anything like me, certain films play better at certain times, sometimes certain seasons even (horror films in the evening, Westerns in the summer), but you’d be hard pressed to find the ideal time to watch this. Maybe after a favorite uncle dies? I don’t know.

It’s probably a British thing that I don’t grasp but The Optimists does have its fair amount of fans. Legend Films has done them a favor by rescuing this from the vaults at Paramount with a proper release that boasts a fine transfer considering the elements at hand. Though in a perpetual gloom, the scenery does make for some nice cinematography as only the early ‘70s could, rendering the film’s palette to appear much richer than it really is with its royal blues, burgundy reds, and forest greens. The mono audio isn’t the strongest but that’s probably because everyone talks like bloody fucking Londoners that only bloody fucking Londoners can understand. Needless to say, subtitles would have been a most welcomed addition (something that Legend Films has yet to learn). Like most of their recent releases, Legend Films graces the film’s DVD cover with the original artwork, a practice that I can’t help but commend every time.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (Blu Ray)

Written by El Fangorio

Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis), is one evil S.O.B. His quick rise from poor prospector to oil baron has left many a casualty in his wake. He is the type of man who will exploit a child (newcomer Dillon Freasier), claiming him to be his son, to get families to trust him. And once this child becomes a burden, he will move along and find another face to use. He will take advantage of your generosity, trust, and lack of knowledge and when it comes time for payback, he will still drive you into the dirt. He will admit to wrongdoing only to gain back trust, and then when the time is right, he will remind you how foolish you were to believe him.

Eli Sunday (Paul Dano) is a preacher man but is no less corrupt than Plainview. He also has dollar signs in his eyes and when Plainview comes to offer his “help”, he jumps at the chance to make a profit. Under the guise of building a church, his demands for riches far exceed his needs and his delusions of grandeur blur the line between divine intervention and personal gain. He will use his faith to gain support but if given the opportunity to fatten his pockets with a non-believer, he will denounce it without hardly any hesitation.

It is when these two men converge that we are given the timeless epic struggle of Evil against Evil; Money vs. Religion; Oil vs God. No different now than it was over a hundred years ago when this film takes place, the themes at hand are played out with The Good being caught in the crossfire.

An exercise in filmmaking gone by, There Will Be Blood’s deliberate pacing reminded us that it wasn’t that long ago that films weren’t edited with a Cuisinart. Like Kubrick’s before him, Paul Thomas Anderson’s camera lingers on scenes for minutes on end before cutting away, leaving its imagery burned into your memory. His precise mastering of light evokes the past works of Zsigmond, Almendros, and Willis. And like Scorsese, he still accomplishes originality while channeling the masters. The church construction from McCabe and Mrs. Miller, the nocturnal blaze from Days of Heaven, even the bucket spill from Carrie is on hand for those keen enough to notice. It opens like 2001, with its dissolve into landscape and when the titular promise is finally fulfilled, we are reminded of the same film and early man’s first attack with the animal bone.

When There Will Be Blood was released on standard DVD back in April, it made many a reviewer’s top pick for best transfer to date. It set the bar for image resolution which was no easy feat considering the elements used during the filming. It was released as two different editions, a film-only single-disc edition and a Special Collector’s edition with a second disc of special features. Many special collectors were disappointed to find that the second disc consisted of only an hour of supplements, 30 minutes of which being a B&W vintage documentary on oil. The rest of the goods consisted of a slideshow, two trailers, and three deleted scenes. That’s it. As SD consumers await the inevitable release of a quadruple-disc edition (and this film warrants one), will the Blu-ray camp get it right the first time out? And can the already near-perfect image even be improved on? It’s a mixed answer of no (sigh) and YES (!!!).

Ring the double-D alert; we have here a 'demo disc.' This is the one you pop in the player when you want to show off the "miracle of Blu-ray" to friends and neighbors. Hell, this one makes you want to show strangers too. They say that great high definition sometimes results in the image appearing to come off the screen, like 3-D without the aid of special glasses. There are multiple instances in which the film achieves this.

As early as the opening scene of Plainview’s excavating a near-pitch mine, the sparks caused by his pickaxe almost look dangerous. Candlelit faces, surrounded by total darkness, appear to hover like ghosts and you almost feel guilty for not helping out with some of the ropes that seemingly float up and down the screen.

The sound is also an improvement in that, unlike its standard counterpart, it comes uncompressed via 5.1 Dolby TrueHD. This might not be as obvious in its many dialogue scenes but it does play a big factor in some of the louder scenes. Oil gushers cause many a jump while Jonny Greenwood’s shrieking strings jangle the nerves appropriately. And when the film is silent, it is true silence without the hiss that comes with compressed audio.

As for the special features, they are the exact same as the standard release. No joke. 50 gigs of memory available on a Blu-ray disc and they fill it with less than a gig of material. One good thing is that, except for the slideshow, all of the supplements are presented in high-def, something we will soon be taking for granted but for now, really does make a difference when viewing special features on HD systems. And the special features themselves really aren’t that bad as all of it is beneficial to the viewer.

First off is the 1923 documentary, The Story of Petroleum. This B&W silent film, created as a promotional tool for the U.S. Bureau of Mines, chronicles the oil business during the 1920s. It’s a pretty interesting piece and I would even recommend viewing it before the film as it helps put the film in its proper context. Also serving as a reference piece is the slideshow, here titled 15 Minutes. Set to the score of the film, these various elements include vintage photographs, postcards, maps, and newspaper clippings that aided in researching the film. Images are followed by the actual scenes from the film that they inspired, proving once again the depth at which Anderson will go to achieve authenticity. The three deleted scenes, unlike most you see on other releases, are actually quite good. Had they been left in the film, you would even recall them as somewhat key scenes. Rounding out the supps is the film’s teaser and theatrical trailer.

Given the price of this Blu-ray release, there isn’t going to be many laymen that see justifying a double-dip. Supplements, though presented here in HD, are usually the deciding factor for most consumers. However, the improvement in picture quality is more than enough reason for me to recommend it because after all, isn’t image the reason you have Blu-ray? Add to this the fact that Mr. Anderson has a tendency to produce more definitive editions of his films more than a year after their initial release, and you’ve got more than enough justification to go the Blu-ray route.

CLOVERFIELD (BLU-RAY)

Written by El Fangorio

I was two months late catching Cloverfield in the theater. In Michigan, it had already ended its run, but thanks to a trip to Chicago, I was able to catch it in its last week there at a busy downtown Cinema. There were probably nine people total in our particular theater, and as the film unspooled, I wondered how many would be left by the end, as I’d heard of so many people walking out due to the hand-held camera technique (known now as The Blair Witch Effect).

About 20 minutes in, after the first moments of suspense started to build, my mates and I noticed a couple a few rows ahead get up. Thinking they were leaving due to the shaky-cam effect, we were surprised to see they were just moving down a few rows to the non-stadium seating below. I didn’t pay much attention to them until my friend pointed out that the woman had moved onto her boyfriend’s lap, her feet on the seat ahead of her. Awesome! It was the sign of a great, scary film - so I thought.

Little did I know this couple would embark on some of the most hardcore sex one could ever witness in public (without paying). Because the action onscreen had me in such a state of suspense, dread, and terror, I missed all of it. I didn’t even notice them. We are talking multiple positions, legs in the air, heads-a-bobbin, the whole 69 yards. I know this because one of my friend’s did the opposite and missed all of Cloverfield. I can’t help but talk about this whenever I bring up this film. On the one hand, because it’s probably my only chance of witnessing a crazy-ass spectacle like that, but on a more important note, because it was truly a testament to how effective that film was for me.

For those who don’t already know the plot of the film (and I strongly urge you to stop reading after this paragraph as there be mucho spoilers ahead), a bunch of 20-somethings in NYC throw a going away party for their bud the eve before his departing for Japan. It is this same night that a giant monster rises out of the harbor to wreak havoc on the city and it’s inhabitants.

Since one of the attendees has decided to document the party with their camcorder, we are there to experience the first sign of the monster’s presence, that being a massive rumbling sound. Of course everyone fears that it is another terrorist attack. As they all rush to the balcony to see what’s going on, they witness multiple explosions resulting in buildings crashing down exactly like 9/11.

It isn’t until the Statue of Liberty’s gigantic head comes hurling through the air and crashing down the street that people start to realize that this could be something far worse than a terrorist attack. We soon realize it is worse, and as the rest of panic-stricken Manhattan tries to evacuate the island, five of our heroes attempt to rescue a friend that is trapped in the heart of the action, all the while documenting it with that camera. For the entire film, we see the action unfold as it happens, via this lone camcorder.

I’m well aware that this film has its detractors, but I seriously wonder if they even got it. I don’t think they let themselves experience it as intended by the filmmakers. Almost everyone, while describing the theory of using the first-person method, states, “It’s so you feel like you are there”. Though that it is a result of the process, I don’t think it’s the filmmaker’s intention. If that were indeed the desired affect, then why would the filmmakers even acknowledge the character shooting it? That is to say, why not film the entire thing as if the camera were your eyes?

Instead, like The Blair Witch, the first words on the screen tell us that we are watching discovered footage of something horrible, ‘discovered’ being the key word, because it indicates that it was found by itself, without ownership. How else could it get from these kids to the government unless they handed it over to them, resulting in changing the term from ‘discovered’ to ‘donated’ or ‘with permission from’? No, this much overlooked introduction indicates “these guys are dead now.” It is this sense of dread from the very beginning that we should be feeling, knowing that we are about to actually see how they died as it happened.

I think this misconception is also what causes people to suffer from motion sickness. Since they believe it’s being shot this way so that we feel like we are there, then they are going to process it accordingly, and wish their “eyes” would go where they want (though I’m pretty sure if you were being attacked by Cloverfield, you would not be standing still either).

When you watch somebody’s home movies, would you do the same thing? Would you assume that the amateur filming it was making an attempt to have you feel like you are him? Hell, no. He is documenting. Otherwise we’d be busting out dolly tracks to smooth out that walk over to the new car you’re showing off. Trust me, if all of a sudden, in the middle of this home movie where you were showing off your new car, a big fucking monster popped out, you would not be calm about it. This is exactly what Cloverfield is, though: a home movie where all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a gigantic creature comes charging into the scenery.

For the easily nauseated, quit watching the film like it’s one of those IMAX A Flight Over the Swiss Alps where you look straight ahead and feel like you are actually flying over those damn Swiss Alps. This is a movie, and people who don’t care about anything happening on the screen unless it’s in the center (full-screen idiots, I’m looking in your direction), are going to make the mistake, and start getting sick.

Does this film translate to Blu-ray? Yes and No. Yes, in the sense that it looks even better than standard DVD (and it sure as hell does) and probably even better than in the theater. You can see the creature more clearly and the destruction of the city looks even more realistic, which is quite the feat considering most Blu-ray expose CGI for what it is: fake.

This improvement in total clarity, though, and all around professionalism sort of defeats the purpose of making this film look like it was shot by an amateur with a camcorder that anyone could own. Even some of the grain that was apparent in both the theatrical and DVD versions is missing, which in any other type of film would be an improvement, but here sort of takes away it’s intended gritty realism - but hey, who cares? So long as we can see that awesome monster better, it could be shot in 3-D and I’ll still suspend my disbelief long enough to ‘feel’ this film.

As for sound, it’s the same double-edge sword. Whereas we’ve already accepted the fact going into the film, that there is no way that this tiny amateur camcorder can record sound like this, it’s not such an obstacle to get over. After watching the standard DVD and thinking that the monster’s attacks weren’t nearly loud enough (certainly not as loud as it was in the theater), Blu-ray has corrected that with its TRU HD sound system. This is definitely one to pop in to demonstrate the sound that only Blu-ray is capable of. Shit will fall off the walls if you turn it up loud enough and Grandpa Simpson may even pipe in with a “Turn…it…down!” It’s that powerful. It should be since the loudness of sound plays a huge part in unsettling you (much like that of the aliens in the recent War of the Worlds).

As for extras, it’s unfortunately the same as the standard DVD release, though there is one feature exclusive to Blu-Ray that some will find either cool or stupid. I found it to pretty damn cool. Though this still includes an ample amount of supplements, I say “unfortunate” because you just know that this film is going to get re-released with even more supplements in the future (which appears to be standard procedure).

This practice is justified with standard DVD when a single disc becomes a double disc because of the amount of information that will fit on a standard disc. With Blu-ray, though, we all know that you can fit up to six times the amount of information of a single standard DVD, so why not give it all to us now - especially considering the price difference between the two formats. On the plus side, all of the features were originally filmed in HD, so here we have them in perfect clarity and in a film that relies heavily on digital imagery. This is a major improvement.

Document 01.18.08: The Making of Cloverfield and Cloverfield Visual Effects are two of the longer supplements on the disc, running approximately 30 minutes each. While Document includes interviews with JJ Abrams, the cast, and the director, Visual Effects focuses more on the technical aspects of the film. Both are above average features as they give a lot of information that viewers can benefit from.

The shorter extras are also worth viewing. I saw it! It’s Alive! It’s Huge! is easily the coolest feature on the disc as it not only gives you a better look at the somewhat elusive creature, but it also explains why it acts the way it does. Knowing that the creature is basically a frightened baby going through abandonment issues really makes you look at it’s behavior in a whole new way.

The alternate endings and deleted scenes, per usual, are justified as being omitted, though I do recommend viewing the alternate endings with the commentary as it explains what little was changed. There are also some bloopers on hand with Cloverfun. Add to this an informative commentary by its creator, JJ Abrams, and you have a decent amount of supplements that should satisfy most customers.

As for the exclusive feature titled Special Investigation Mode, you get the option of viewing the film along with a government affiliated GPS tracking device on the side of the screen, informing you of where the creature is, the heroes are, and the location of the incoming military. You also get little blurbs of ‘live’ information (as opposed to film trivia) from the government, including character statistics and analysis of the events unfolding. It’s a lot like watching a DVD with pop-up trivia, only here the information (which is ultimately fictional) is played out as real. It’s supplements like this that justify the extra price of Blu-ray as it’s something that couldn’t have fit on any standard DVD single disc release.

It’s pretty much a no-brainer for this release whether you’re a fan of the film or just a fan of the format. The suspension of disbelief needed was already established in both its theatrical and standard DVD release. With Blu-ray, you may have to keep reminding yourself a little more often, “It’s only a home movie…It’s only a home movie…It’s only a home movie.”

STUDENT BODIES

Written by El Fangorio

I’ll try and make this one short and sweet as I’m sure many of you have fond memories of this 1981 spoof of slasher films: Student Bodies is pretty damn lame. Maybe it’s because we were 13. Maybe it’s because the conventions of the slasher film are no longer absurd enough to warrant a parody of them. Maybe it’s because we used to be a little bit on the retarded side. Who knows? All I know is that I probably laughed three times total during this film. With that said, it’s still a welcome addition to the format, and we have Legend Films to thank for reminding us that some films are worth unearthing if solely for preservation’s sake.

Toby, the school virgin, is losing all her friends to an unknown stalker, and everyone is a suspect. The killer is using such zany objects as paper clips and eggplants to do the job and when he’s not using a rubber chicken to make prank phone calls, he’s busy panting around in his goulashes, trying not to step on too much gum. If your pants are still dry after hearing those nuggets, fret not as there are also drooling phones, meowing dogs, and farting corpses. Throw in a giant, skinny, quadruple-jointed actor who goes by the name of “The Stick,” and you’ve got a film that plays infinitely better in your childhood memory. Because let’s face it, at the end of the day, it’s all about Malvert.

What surprises me most about this film is what little it has to do with particular slasher films of the time. There really is no reference to any actual one, just a jab at the formula, which is that if you are a teen and having sex, you will be killed with a bizarre weapon by an unseen killer. To be fair, the opening is both a riff on Halloween and When a Stranger Calls, but after that Student Bodies is usually just hoping that it can get by on POV shots and heavy breathing. The numbers that flash on the screen to let you know the body count used to be funny back when a body count seemed bizarre, but now it just wears thin as does the repetition of showing everyone having sex while offering no nudity. The filmmakers do find a way to still ensure an R rating and it’s one of the two laughs available here.

It’s not surprising then that the creators of this film chose to have their names removed. Its production is credited to one Allen Smithee, this being none other than Michael Ritchie who gave us such ‘70s classics as The Bad News Bears, Prime Cut, and Smile. Some have said that the Smithee is only due to the writers’ strike going on at the time but I beg to differ. Though it would explain all of the first-time actors on hand, it’s too much of a coincidence that this film is also a big POS.

Legend Films still manages to polish a turd by giving a terrific widescreen 1.78 transfer. Though a little washed out in some of the exterior scenes, I’m sure this is due to the source print and the monkeys behind the camera. The mono audio is decent enough and this time out, they’re able to provide us with a trailer, proving that they do think about these things when available. Another nice touch is the original artwork used for the DVD case as it was quite the iconic image from the days of “mom and pop” video shops.

THE POSSESSION OF JOEL DELANEY

Written by El Fangorio

When Rosemary’s Baby hit the big time in 1968, Hollywood found that the supernatural was indeed a hot commodity. While the genre was always present in the independent horror films of the time, it wasn’t until then that the major studios decided it was legit enough to start producing some of their own. Soon, the marquees were filled with titles promising possessions, reincarnations, and resurrections. Also like Rosemary’s, the material was usually gleaned from a popular novel and anchored by an up-and-coming actor or actress. Such was the case with The Possession of Joel Delaney, based on the book by Ramona Stewart and starring an already established Shirley Maclaine.

Joel Delaney (played by then newcomer Perry King) is someone who, while brought up in the charmed life of a wealthy Manhattan socialite, lives and fights for the common man. He has given up his digs in Central Park West to live in a seedier section of the East Village, all the while remaining extremely close with his sister Nora (played by Maclaine) and her two children.

Starting with a destructive outburst that lands Joel in Bellevue, Nora watches in horror as her timid brother slowly changes into a man she doesn’t know. His erratic behavior, violent temper, and the sudden ability to speak fluent Spanish cause Nora to seek the answers necessary to save her brother. Making matters worse is the fact that people close to her and Joel are starting to lose their heads (literally) in the same fashion of a string of earlier unsolved murders. When the suspect, who was considered to be still at large, is found to have been dead for six months, Nora is faced with the realization that her brother may not be the person he once was.

The Possession of Joel Delaney has a lot going for it starting with the stellar performance by its main lead. Shirley Maclaine, like Alan Alda earlier in the Mephisto Waltz and Gregory Peck later in The Omen, lends an air of class to a picture that might otherwise have come off as exploitation. Don’t get me wrong, this film is still a lurid picture but there is something about a big-name star that helps delude the viewer into thinking they are watching something important. And who wouldn’t want to witness their very own Sweet Charity running around Manhattan bumping into headless corpses? Best of all is the setting of vintage upper and lower Manhattan, which are juxtaposed quite nicely when used to show the social differences between the two. Watching Nora treat her maid Veronica like her inferior is counter-balanced by a visit Nora makes to Veronica’s house, where she is in turn the minority. It is here that we begin Nora’s character arch from blissfully ignorant to horrifically aware. The feeling of being out of her comfort zone comes to its zenith when Nora attends a Santeria ritual that, in its attention to detail, has to be seen to be believed.

While being a bare-bones release, The Possession of Joel Delaney comes with a sparkling 1.78:1 anamorphic transfer and its original mono audio track. There is no doubt that this film has ever looked or sounded so good since it’s left the big screen. Another treat is the original artwork used for the DVD case, an iconic image to those in the know, and proof positive that there is no need for revamped imagery to sell a genre title (especially if it’s from the 70s!). A trailer would have been most welcome as it’s remained elusive for some time now (and it’s always a hoot to see how a large studio promotes a horror film like this), but this is a minor quibble. Most will just be happy to have this released at all as it’s been a forgotten gem for far too long.

Thanks to Legend Films for stepping up the plate in bringing us genre fans some titles that would have otherwise still be sitting in the vaults. A quick glance at their website Legendfilms.com (under the section: Studio Films), tells us that this summer will be full of hidden gems and forgotten treasures. All of these titles are new to the format and most of them are cult classics that the fans have been screaming for over a decade now. Some of the titles include Saul Bass’ Phase IV, Jacques Demy’s The Pied Piper, the infamously politically incorrect Mandingo, and the 1981 slasher-spoof Student Bodies.

JEKYLL AND HYDE…TOGETHER AGAIN

Written by El Fangorio

Well let me start off by guessing that you are either scratching your head, trying to remember this film, or you are about to call your best friend when you were 12 to let him know that it’s happened: Jekyll and Hyde…Together Again is finally being released on DVD. It really is that kind of movie. For those that fall into the former camp, look up the original artwork for the video box and chances are you will recall seeing the crude illustration when you were younger and saying to yourself, “Fuck that dumb-ass looking movie.” But for those in the know, all I can ask is, “Why didn’t you make me watch this?” because it’s a damn funny film and about as politically incorrect as it’s going to get these days, and if nothing else, one hell of a fun walk down early ‘80s memory lane. Thank you, Legend Films, for rescuing yet another forgotten gem from the vaults at Paramount Studios.

Spoofing both the Robert Louis Stevens story and the 1963 film The Nutty Professor, Jekyll and Hyde…Together Again tells the story of Dr. Daniel Jekyll’s ongoing quest to harness man’s animal instincts. A mishap in the lab causes Jekyll to accidentally snort one of his botched concoctions, which in turn transforms him into the extra-hairy, extra-horny, extra-gold chain-wearing party animal, Mr. Hyde. Of course it isn’t long before Hyde’s all-nighters start taking it’s toll on Jekyll’s mundane professional and love life (not to mention his bank account) and he soon realizes that one of them has to go.

You’re going to be able to tell within the first 10 minutes if this is your kind of movie. Whether it’s the sound of a big ol’ gong being used to signify the presence of a Chinaman or straight up punching a woman in the face, this film has something to offend everyone. If the sight of someone greeting John Merrick (aka The Elephant Man) with a friendly slap on the head (resulting in his obvious “Owwww”), sounds funny to you, then you’re going to love this. Personally, nothing could be more hilarious.

Add to this, a great performance by its lead, Mark Blankfield (Blinkin from Robin Hood’s Men in Tights along with countless television appearances), who plays the characters as if he really did have a dual personality. I honestly couldn’t believe the same person played them until I checked the IMDB. Looking like Marty Feldman’s little brother, the guy need only contort the left side of his face (which he does a lot) to get a laugh out of me because let’s face it, the dude is funny looking just standing there. And that’s just when he’s Jekyll. When this guy turns into the perpetually gyrating, coke-snorting, sex fiend that is Mr. Hyde, you won’t know which one is funnier.

It’s also a lot of fun watching who’s going to pop on the screen next since this is chock full of either early ‘80s favorites or soon-to-be late ‘80s has-beens. Whether it’s Elvira (her face hidden by a surgical mask but clearly her voice and boobs), Norm from Cheers (dubbed but clearly his face and gut), or the kid from The NeverEnding Story, you will more than once say “I love that guy/girl! What the hell happened to them anyways?” And if nostalgia is your trip, then prepare for a hot visit to the video arcade (“Look, there’s Vanguard!”) and an even better jaunt through the cereal aisle at a local supermarket (“I forgot all about Kelloggs’ Most!”). Hell, this movie even has some cool (albeit low-budget) special FX when it comes to the transformation scenes, using good old-fashioned stop-motion photography to show how Hyde “grows” his tacky gold jewelry and newly firmed buttocks.

Once again, Legend Films delivers a fine presentation with a 1.78 transfer and it’s original mono audio. It could have benefited with some subtitles but there does appear to be closed captioning available. Like most of their releases this month, Legend Films has given us a bare-bones affair that doesn’t even include a trailer, which certainly could have helped in proving that this film did actually exist in the theater. And it bears noting that, unlike their previous releases, this doesn’t include the original artwork on its cover, as it was probably the number one reason this wasn’t viewed more often. Let’s hope this release changes that, as this is one film that deserves a wider audience.

DIARY OF THE DEAD

Written by El Fangorio

Dear Diary of the Dead, you suck.

More of a remake than a sequel, Diary of the Dead starts off the same way Night of the Living Dead did 40 years ago: for no apparent reason, the dead have started to rise and are attacking and eating the living. A small group of kids from the University of Pittsburgh are out making a student horror film when this phenomenon occurs. All of them stereotypes, from the self-absorbed director to the big-breasted blonde that wants to be taken seriously, to the tech geek with thick horn-rimmed glasses, to the tough-as-nails heroine (always a brunette with long hair). All of them assholes. Not a likeable character in the bunch. Did I mention the Olde English buzzkill of a professor that they run around with? He quotes Dickens (I kid you not) and when choosing weapons, prefers a bow and arrow to a gun. He’s also quite adept with a broadsword. It’s not long before they are on the road, trying to figure out what’s happening, all the while filming it for the Internet. Because when your dead grandma is out in the backyard, trying to eat the dog, the first place you run to for answers is Myspace. It’s this caliber of WTF ineptness that runs rampant throughout the course of the film. Beware. The groaning you hear is probably your own.

Shooting an entire film in first-person POV only works when it’s plausible that somebody would actually be filming the footage. Nobody would ever hold on to a camera, up to their eye no less, all the while there are zombies attacking. It’s one thing to choose to film the things coming after you but to sit back and capture the footage of it eating your friends and loved ones instead of friggin’ helping them is not only cruel but just plain improbable. Even the makers of Cloverfield knew to acknowledge a camera strap that would hold the camera at your side (albeit changing the angle drastically) so that you can flee in terror like a normal person These assholes just keep on filming and then justify it by saying that “it’s addictive. You can’t put the camera down.” Let me see that camera please.

I understand the reason the cast is young is because they are all amateur filmmakers and what other way are you going to explain a large group of people (read: douchebags) with camera equipment, but come on. I would have gladly let it slide had it been a bunch of geriatrics at an in-home “how to film your grandkids” session when it hits the fan, or hell, just a bunch of people who just happen to own video cameras. It could happen. Watching these young, attractive idiots only makes me realize why so many of the generation above me hated slasher films. On that note, had this film been done without pretension, it would have just been a “zombie vs. teenagers” thing, which would have been just fine in my book of low standards.

According to the supplements, this film was made in the “Blair Witch style” so that it could be looser. This way, Romero wouldn’t have to be locked down with any one idea. Well nothing could be more obvious since most of the characters change from scene to scene. One has an accent that goes in and out, one thinks it’s all a hoax, then doesn’t, then does. One couple is so in love that they actually tell the camera, “we’re in love,” but when one of them dies, the other never mentions them again. She never even cries about it. For that matter, nobody acts scared.

Another poorly realized couple is our leads, a Rita Rudner-looking thing (okay, maybe they’re not all attractive) and her prick of a boyfriend who’s also the genius behind wanting to film all this. They obviously hate each other and you have to laugh when they drop her off at her folks to see who’s been munched on, and she says, “So I guess I’ll just get a hold of you?” as if it wasn’t the end of the world and there were still phones that worked. He almost drives off when his buddy mentions that someone should probably stay with her just to be on the safe side. Good call.

Nobody is making amateur mummy movies. Not above the age of eight anyways and certainly not the type pious enough to deem himself “The Messenger of Truth.” So when we open up with this scenario, we can already tell what’s going to happen later on, especially when the character playing the mummy is still wearing the damn bandages back in the safety of his own home (and days later). Gee I wonder, will we see a zombie mummy shambling about later on? Yeah it’s a great visual (and my favorite idea) but again, totally improbable and telegraphed far too early to enjoy.

That mummy character. One minute he’s totally fine. The next minute he’s been chomped. And though I realize we are supposed to be surprised by this, it still seems to come on too strong and out of nowhere. Plus the actor is abysmal. His zombie motivation being (and I quote from the supplementary) “doing a funny walk and hoping nobody laughs.” Where are these chumps coming from? Oh yeah, Pittsburgh.

Can you seriously hack into a surveillance camera? Okay, how about when the only person who knows how to is killed? Can you still? Because they somehow do.

More bad judgement: Romero thought it wouldn’t play as dramatically without a score, so the film has background music. Think of Cloverfield or The Blair Witch Project having a score. Not only does it totally distract from the cinema verite but it’s hard enough believing that during the stress of a full-on zombie attack, one would find the time for all the editing, dissolves, and fade-outs that occur, let alone composing and laying down a soundtrack.

I could seriously go on and on as I’m quite passionate about how much I hated this film. It’s not even that I was hoping for something great. Far from it. These are zombie films. I’m only here for the dead and the red. And for those out there that just want to know the quality and quantity of each of those? I shall quote Romero himself: “There aren’t as many zombies in this one.” And there isn’t. Just a lot of despicable actors doing a really bad job. As for the gore, it’s definitely there and I’d be lying if I said it was lackluster. As one should hope, Romero still knows how to make a scary zombie and he’s still sick enough to think of some incredibly creative kills. I’m purposely leaving out some of the good parts (both of them), since I hardly expect a Dead fan to sit this one out. But these highlights only prove further how much he failed in the other departments, to completely render this film the mess that it is.