Saturday, July 05, 2008

HANCOCK

Written by Hombre Divertido

It is rare that a film would prove to be such a frustrating experience; but thus is the case with Hancock.

Will Smith, who can usually be counted on for quality fourth of July weekend films, plays the alcohol-drinking, unenthused superhero, who muddles his way through the capturing of evil-doers, and the obligatory rescuing of the innocent when he feels like it, and even then, with general distain for the public.

Early in the film Hancock rescues and is befriended by public relations whiz Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman) who takes on Hancock as a client and project. He attempts to soften Hancock while improving his image. Embrey is successful to an extent, and the antics of Hancock before and after the rescuing of Embrey are reasonably entertaining.

Had writers Vy Vincent Ngo and Vince Gilligan kept it simple and given us 120 of the before and after of Hancock the reluctant superhero, we would have a quality movie ripe for a sequel. Instead, we are rushed through the establishment of the character and the transition, so that we could get to ridiculous and vague plot transitions, and unnecessary violence all in 92 minutes.

No point in going into the rest of the plot; it’s a mess. It does include Charlize Theron in a somber performance as Ray’s wife Mary.

The movie is full of CGI effects, but considering where the quality line has been established this season with Iron Man, Prince Caspian, The Incredible Hulk, etc., those too are quite disappointing.

Director Peter Berg is not off the hook here either. Though the writers are primarily to blame, the directorial choices did not help. The film gets gratuitously violent in the second half, and the choices made in his direction were not only inconsistent, but include a nauseating close-up style reminiscent of the cheesy chase scenes in Point Break.

No blame on Will Smith here. His performance is spot-on, but he appears to be fighting the reins of the writers and directors throughout.

Recommendation: The first 30 to 45 minutes are fun. Head for some Iron Man or Hulk after that.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The Sword in the Stone (45th Anniversary Special Edition)



Written by Senora Bicho

I admit it; I am a bit biased when it comes to the classic Disney animated films. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the newer films too, and especially everything from Pixar, but the older films feel like coming home and offer an innocent charm. The Sword in the Stone is no exception. I have not watched this movie in a long time but always remembered it fondly. The new 45th anniversary edition lived up to those fond memories.

The Sword in the Stone is the story of Arthur, the boy who would be king. The story is set in historic England at a time of great unrest. The King has died with no heir and no one can agree on a successor, which places a dark cloud over the country. One day a miracle occurs and a sword miraculously appears in a stone. The engraving states that whoever can pull the sword out of the anvil will be king. Many try unsuccessfully and so the sword was soon long forgotten.

Cut to Merlin the Magician who is anxiously awaiting a houseguest. His grouchy companion owl, Archimedies, accompanies him. Arthur, an 11-year-old boy, who lives with his foster father and brother, soon joins them. He is basically their slave and has ambitions to be a squire. Merlin explains that he is to be his mentor and will teach him how to use his brain instead of focusing on brawn. Merlin and Arthur go on several adventures as Arthur learns many valuable life lessons. The best scene of the film is when Arthur competes in a wizards’ duel with Mad Madam Mim and proves the benefits of higher learning and brainpower.

The story is simple but offers a good message. The characters are entertaining and engaging and are set within a solid and interesting story. Archimedies has always been my favorite and still steals the show. There are very few songs but those included are fun. The animation looks terrific. The picture is crisp with bright colors. The sound is also nice clear.

There are not too many extras offered in the new edition. First is the only new item offered, “Merlin’s Magical Academy Game” that includes many different activates as players try to earn shields. All of the rest of the bonus features were on previous editions.

“Bonus Movie Shorts” includes Goofy in “A Knight for a Day” and Mickey Mouse in “The Brave Little Tailor.” “Disney Song Selection” allows viewers to jump right to their favorite song and also puts the words on the screen for sing-a-longs.

“Music Magic: The Sherman Brothers” highlights the incredible musical talent behind the movie. The Sherman Brothers were involved with many Disney movies and they appear in the extras on many of the classic Disney films. The brothers are included in the featurette and share about their experiences.

“Backstage Disney” includes a featurette called “All About Magic” and has Walt Disney talking viewers on a journey through a magic property room. It also includes a scrapbook of the artwork from the film along with film facts.

I can’t speak to the difference in picture and sound quality in this edition as compared to the last edition since this is the first time I have watched it on DVD but it isn’t mind-blowing to look at or listen to as compared to other films that have been re-mastered recently. I didn’t think it was that different from my old VHS copy really. If you already own “The Sword in the Stone” on DVD I don’t see any reason to add this one to your collection. Compared to animated films that come out these days, children may be bored by this but as a kid at heart I still enjoy this one even just to pop it in on occasion to watch a few of my favorite scenes.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES

Written by Musgo Del Jefe

The bar for fantasy films aimed at a child audience has been set almost unattainably high by the Harry Potter films and The Chronicles of Narnia films. The Spiderwick Chronicles positioned itself to compete in that rarified air but in its execution it falls woefully short.

The Spiderwick Chronicles, like Narnia and Potter, pull from a series of young adult books by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi. Since the Spring of 2003, there have been five books published in the main series and two ancillary titles. Not unlike the Lemony Snicket books, the producers at Nickelodeon Films needed to combine more than one book to fill a feature length film. Instead of thinking forward to future films and further time for character development, they decided to adapt all five into one film (leaving out a majority of the plot of Book Four).

As an arm of Paramount Pictures, Nickelodeon Films has a tradition of developing their own TV programs to film (Rugrats, Jimmy Neutron and SpongeBob SquarePants) and similar live-action family fare (Good Burger, Nacho Libre and Lemony Snicket). This fantasy film falls right into line with their previous releases.

The movie opens in a promising way. Single mother, Mrs. Grace (Mary-Louise Parker) arrives at a "haunted house" (Spiderwick Estate) with her three children - older sister, Mallory (Sarah Bolger who was brilliant in In America) and twins, Jared and Simon (both played by Freddie Highmore who played Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). Simon and Jared are polar opposite characters and young actor, Highmore, pulls this off pretty well through hair and posture differences and slight voice inflections. Simon is the peacekeeper of the family, avoiding conflict at all costs. Jared is our main character, our storyteller and mischievous. In the opening scenes, there are weird happenings and sounds surrounding the house. Whether it's disappearing trinkets of the family or noises in the bushes, these Amityville Horror type of touches set a good creepy mood. Jared is blamed for most of the weirdness, setting the tone for his character.

Jared's discovery of Spiderwick's Field Guide book sets in motion the thin plot of the film. He meets a brownie named Thimbletack (Martin Short) who becomes our exposition to the world of faeries and the plot for the remaining 70 minutes of the film. Thimbletack tells Jared that an ogre named Mulgarth (Nick Nolte) wants to steal the Field Guide to learn its lessons and take over the faeries. When Simon is accidentally mistaken for Jared and kidnapped by Mulgarth's goblins, we meet Hogsquel (Seth Rogen) a comic relief that likes to eat birds and figures prominently in the end of the story.

The adventures leading to the resolution of the story feel episodic and rushed. There are some great special effects that are not given time to live and breathe as they are in Lord Of The Rings or Chronicles Of Narnia. There seems to be a rush to keep the plot regarding the Field Guide moving forward instead of getting to know this universe of faeries or more about the Grace family.

The plot elements hint at a much larger and better story. Most fantasy aimed at young adults works well when it clearly works without its fantasy elements. The Harry Potter books and films would be interesting stories if Hogwarts was just a normal school instead of one full of magic. The addition of the fantasy elements allows the director to tell the story of the "real" world in the context of the magical world. The Grace family has gone through a divorce. Jared's deep denial of this and wish for his father to return has resonance in many of the magical plot lines. Mulgarth is a bad ogre and bad father figure. In fact, little is played of the fact that Mulgarth disguises himself as Mr. Grace but when he is discovered, Jared must stab him in the stomach.

We meet their elderly Aunt Lucinda (Joan Plowright), who herself was abandoned by her father, Arthur Spiderwick (David Starthairn). Her pain should be an inspiration to the Grace children but there is not that connection. There isn't the moment of healing or hope from her to the kids. In the end, Lucinda and Arthur will find a timeless reuniting that is really more metaphorical and real. Is this symbolic of a reuniting with Mr. Grace and the kids or is their abandonment illustrated more by the stabbing of the "father" and his turning into a snake?

This movie would've been better served to break the five books into two or three films. The actors do a wonderful job and I would love to see more of the special effects. The monsters are interesting but you have to wait for the Special Features on the DVD to really appreciate them. The style is here but not the substance. This will not fall into the pantheon of the great fantasy films being released in the past ten years.

The DVD is loaded with extras and special features. "The Field Guide", "It's A Spiderwick World", "Making Spiderwick" and "Deleted Scenes" are all entertaining and hint even more at the larger world that Nickelodeon thought they were creating. It's a shame to let such timeless possibilities go to waste. There's always next time, Nick.

Monday, June 30, 2008

ER - The Complete Ninth Season.



Written by Hombre Divertido

It’s rare that the jumping of the shark in a television series can be spotted so easily, but there it is in all its gory glory in the first episode (“Chaos Theory”) of season nine of ER. The proverbial shark in this case turned out to be the rotor blade of a helicopter that famed surgeon Dr. Robert “Rocket” Romano (Paul McCrane) manages to walk into resulting in the amputation of his arm. This shockingly graphic plot twist would eventually lead to the ruining of one of the greatest antagonists on television. Though attempts would be made in future years to introduce similar characters, none have been as well acted or appreciated.

Season nine also marks the first full season without the stabilizing force of the now deceased Dr. Mark Greene (Anthony Edwards). That absence is felt throughout the season, as other leaders such as Dr. John Carter (Noah Wyle) and Dr. Kerry Weaver (Laura Innes) attempt to be a calming force in the ER. No help is given by other characters such as Luka Kovac who spends most of the season going from one bed and problem to another or Abby Lockhart RN (Maura Tierney) who spends a substantial amount of time dealing with her family and her relationships.

The family issues of Abby do allow for all-star gust appearances by Sally Field as her mother and Tom Everett Scott as her brother. Unfortunately the characters are one-dimensional, and the writing allows for little range by these talented actors.

The success of ER was built on the stories revolving around the patients coming into the hospital. After a trend that began years earlier, the ER storylines really hit a low point in season nine as the focus is solely on the lives of the doctors and little screen time is spent on the stories of the patients.

Along with the set-up for the departure of the Rocket, we see the slow departure of Dr. Elizabeth Corday (Alex Kingston) and the second departure of Dr. Susan Lewis (Sherry Stringfield) as the writers struggle with writing for women in a season dominated by male characters.

This season is not without good episodes. The opening episode of the season is certainly shocking, and the last (“Kisangani”) would lead to many great episodes in season 10. The writing is fine, but the focus could certainly have been more diverse. Season nine also includes appearances by Academy Award-nominated actor Don Cheadle as the Parkinson-stricken medical student Paul Nathan. Though the performance is solid, the character appears to only serve the purpose of giving Dr. Corday something to do.

Not a lot of extras here. The deleted scenes are interesting in a few cases, but for the most part it is clear why they were deleted. The gag reel is fun.

Recommendation: This is only for the true fans. Generally the writing and bringing in of guest stars seems desperate. Better episodes in season eight and ten.

Hiya, Kids!! A '50s Saturday Morning



Written by Puño Estupendo

Shout Factory always attracts my interest with just about every release from their company. Even if I'm not particularly a fan of the disc, or aren't really familiar with them at all, I always like to give their releases a look. Hiya, Kids!! A '50s Saturday Morning did exactly that. It caught my interest even though I don't consider myself a fan of 1950's television. The programs represented here range from shows you've most likely at least heard about (Howdy Doody, Lassie, or Kukla, Fran And Ollie), to maybe lesser remembered programs such as Ding Dong School and Juvenile Jury.

The shows themselves are really not all that captivating. Kukla, Fran And Ollie, for example, drove me a little nuts with its solitary camera shot and scriptless performances. The only time there's a cut to another camera is when the characters do an on-air commercial in the middle of the show, but this actually brings me to what I do like about these discs: the lead ins/outs and the ads. I've only ever seen most of these shows by way of clips on one documentary or another, but seeing them as full episodes is really different than that. They don't cut away like modern TV shows do. Some have title cards with the sponsor's name before the show and some even do the commercial as part of the actual show. That might sound unimportant, but you finally get a feeling of what it was like to actually watch these shows if you had been a kid in that era. That's really the draw with this set, the overall nostalgia and not just an interest in one show or another. I enjoyed the vibe here, the feel of "this is how it aired," "this is how my parents saw television."

But be prepared to do some heavy duty watching. Hiya Kids!! has 21 shows spread out over four discs with an accumulative running time of 9 1/2 hours. Not really stuff that'll wow you as far as the actual shows, but you might enjoy it for its time-trip aspect. I'd still recommend watching in small doses though, as I think a marathon viewing would probably disagree with most people.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES (Blu Ray)

Written by El Fangorio

Thanks to the phenomenal success of The Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter series, these days pretty much any children’s book can be made into a film franchise so long as it contains a wizard, a dragon, or an ogre. The Spiderwick Chronicles series of books, written by Holly Black and illustrated by Tony Diterlizzi, tells the adventures of the three Grace siblings, twins Jared and Simon, and their older sister Mallory, after they move into the mysterious Spiderwick Mansion and discover a world of faeries, goblins, and other magical beasties. Condensing the five novels into one story, the film does a great job of keeping it simple enough for those unfamiliar with the series without disappointing the fans. Most importantly, it’s one of those rare instances where a genre film keeps its fantasy rooted in reality so that the viewer can understand what’s going on without having to be enrolled in wizard school. The film is further aided by the work of its talented young cast, some stellar voice acting, and a bevy of impressive creature effects.

Arthur Spiderwick (David Strathairn) has dedicated his life to studying the secret world around us, something he discovered by accident. Invisible to the naked eye, this realm is populated by creatures that live amongst us either as friend or foe, preserving peace or creating chaos. All of his discoveries are kept in a large tome called Arthur Spiderwick’s Field Guide to the Fantastical World Around You. In it are highly detailed records of how each species came to be, where it lives, and what its various strengths and weaknesses are. Spiderwick soon learns the danger of recording all their secrets when the evil ogre Mulgarath learns of the book and seeks it as a means to conquer and destroy. Arthur decides to protect himself and the book by hiding it and placing a magic protective barrier around the house. Not knowing of the book and the dangerous world around her, his six year-old daughter Lucinda is attacked by one of the invisible creatures hoping to use her to find the book. Arthur is able to save the child but not before a legion of fairies step in to aid him by whisking him away safely to their world, leaving Lucinda fatherless and with one hell of a story for the police.

Cut to present day as Helen Grace (Mary Louise-Parker), along with her three children, twins Jared and Simon (both played by Freddy Highmore) and their older sister Mallory (Sarah Bolger), has moved into the creepy Spiderwick Estate after Aunt Lucinda has given it to her. We learn that Lucinda (now 86) has been in a psychiatric hospital ever since her encounter with the invisible world, presumably since nobody would believe her story.

Later that night, Jared hears something moving in the walls. He breaks into the wall and discovers a hidden dumbwaiter that leads to a secret room. It’s Arthur’s study and locked away in a trunk is the field guide. There is a warning on the book from great-great uncle Arthur saying to never open it. Of course Jared ignores the warning and stays up all night reading about the unseen world around him. One of the creatures he reads about, a ‘brownie,’ sounds like the one he may have heard rustling in the walls. He learns that they are appeased by honey and after finding out what “appease” means by his smarter half Simon, Jared sets out to find the creature by sitting up all night in the secret room.

He awakens to ThimbleTack who tells him all about the book and it’s importance. He explains that magical creatures are invisible but can reveal themselves at will. He also tells him of the protective barrier around the house and gives him a stone with a hole in it that allows one to see these fantastic creatures. He warns him though that since he opened the book, that there will be others coming to find it. Per usual, nobody believes Jared about the book he found. It isn’t until Simon is snatched away by Mulgrath’s goblins that Jared is able to convince his sister that there is an unseen battle going on that needs their help.

The Spiderwick Chronicles is a good example of what you get when the right creative team takes on the right material. Because the market is so saturated with fantasy films for children, lesser-known works such as this are going to need a little extra help in front of and behind the cameras in order to compete with the more popular films being made. It’s not that Spiderwick isn’t a solid story but let’s face it, it isn’t the first time we’ve seen children battling ogres. In fact, it isn’t even the first time we’ve seen the lead actor battling foul creatures invisible to the naked eye.

Easily the hardest-working kid in showbiz right now, Freddy Highmore (Finding Neverland, Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, The Golden Compass) has been through this before and you’d be forgiven for skipping this film thinking you’ve already seen it as it’s almost the same premise as his earlier Arthur and the Invisibles. But whereas that film was animated, Spiderwick is a live-action film and for my money, a far superior one. There is a more palpable sense of awe and wonder when watching real humans react to their fictional surroundings than watching their animated counterparts doing the same. It’s also worth noting that Highmore plays dual roles in this film, playing both of the twins, and does an excellent job when you consider the only physical difference between the two is a haircut.

Rounding out the rest of the family is actress Sarah Bolger who plays Mallory Grace. As with British actor Highmore, this actress also has a thick foreign accent (Irish in her case) off camera though you would never know it to watch her here. She has some nice dialogue to work with here (due to John Sayles’ tweaking of the screenplay) being the sarcastic teenage sister, and her delivery is quite good. Unfortunately, Helen Grace could have been played by anybody so Louise-Parker's acting chops are hardly given a workout here but this is fine since we rarely see her character in the film anyways. In fact, most of the action takes place while she’s sleeping or at work. The rest of the Spiderwick clan amount to little more than cameos with Joan Plowright as Aunt Lucinda and ‘80s teen-film staple Andrew McCarthy as the recently split Mr. Grace.

The rest of the film is populated with CGI characters with perfectly cast actors providing their voices. Martin Short plays ThimbleTack, the gentle Brownie that turns into a hot-tempered ‘Boggart’ when he doesn’t get his honey, and his penchant for playing overtly stressed-out characters is no different here. Also playing one of the good guys is Seth Rogan as Hogsqueal the Hobgoblin. Typical of anything he does, Hogsqueal is hilarious as the pig/bat/monkey fusion with serious attention deficit disorders. The bad guys are just as impressive with Nick Nolte playing the evil Mulgrath and Ron Pearlman in an uncredited role, voicing the henchman Redcap, leader of the goblins.

As with most genre films of today, this one places its main title sequence at the end of the film. This is always a hindrance when you end up spending the entire time trying to figure out “who’s playing that voice?” but in this case it’s a testament to the technical crew when you end up being impressed by what you see without knowing (ahead of time) that some huge names are responsible. In this case, we have the recently accomplished director Mark Waters (Mean Girls, Freaky Friday (2003)), cinematographer Caleb Deschanel (The Black Stallion, The Passion), and special creature effects by Phil Tippet (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back). These are some pretty impressive credentials and their work on Spiderwick sets it apart from the rest of the children’s films being made right now. The film is shot beautifully and the creatures look awesome, especially Mulgrath once he shows his real face (they don’t cater to the easily frightened with this guy). It also helps that Nickelodeon Movies produced this film, meaning kids can say “hell” and mass amounts of phlegmy substances will be flown.

All of this makes for a great Blu-Ray viewing experience as pretty much anything that relies on CGI effects is going to be infinitely better when viewed in high definition. Needless to say, Spiderwick’s Blu-ray is a definite improvement over its SD release. Deschanel’s striking photography compliments the digital effects on display and both are rendered beautifully in HD. He doesn’t fill the screen with overtly saturated colors instead relying on a natural palette, making it harder to toss it all off as being “done by a computer”. Black levels are pitch perfect (Mulgrath’s crow comes to mind) and there isn’t a single grain to be found. If there is anything to complain about, it might be that it suffers the same fate as most HD transfers in that it’s got an overall darkness that is most likely the result of the studio wanting to make sure the consumer doesn’t confuse intentional film grain as film noise. This is unfortunately a practice that will continue until everyone realizes that HD doesn’t mean “without grain.”

Its audio, here in Dolby 5.1 TrueHD is a little on the soft side at times. I would assume this is because it’s a children’s film though I hardly doubt they kept that in mind when creating Mulgrath so why can’t his scenes be equally as powerful in this department? The rest of the film sounds fine and the score by James Horner is nicely enhanced, though it does sound an awful lot like his Something Wicked This Way Comes (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing).

The Spiderwick Chronicles comes with a plethora of supplemental features though I will never understand the process behind splitting up over an hours worth of footage over seven parts, especially now that everyone knows the sham. You can’t list a making-of feature with a running time of 18 minutes and expect people to be impressed. Instead, break it up into three six-minute featurettes and you give the impression of there being more than there really is. But here we have at least an hour’s worth of extras and, trust me, a 75-minute documentary on the making of Spiderwick would have been more than enough justification to go the old route. It is worth noting that all of the special features are presented here in HD.

First off is “Spiderwick: It’s All True!” which is little more than a six-minute intro by the director. As with the rest of the initial supplements, the information given is as if this magic really exists. Mark Waters tells us that he’s a firm believer in all of this and that you should be too. He asks us to protect ourselves with the tools from the film so that we can watch the rest of the features without worrying about Mulgrath and Co. coming to get us. Kind of cute (a word I rarely use).

Next is the seven-minute “It’s a Spiderwick World” which further blurs the line between fantasy and reality with author and illustrator of The Spiderwick Chronicles informing us of the origin of the series. Apparently they received a letter from the Grace children themselves, though the kids’ real names have been changed here (to protect them from ogres and inevitable asylums). The letter described the story of discovering the Field Guide and their venture into the unseen world around them. Black decided to put this all in story form, while her partner Diterlizzi came up with the impressive illustrations that make up the Field Guide used in the series of books. To be honest, this was a little too much for me to chew on and made me want to back away slowly from the couple. Still, kids are sure to eat this up and I sort of wish I wasn’t so old and cynical to enjoy the ruse.

“Arthur Spiderwick’s Field Guide” is a cool way to see the pages of the book, their beautiful illustrations, and the helpful info used to describe each species. It’s obviously inspired by the popular Gnomes book from the ‘70s. Like the film itself, it’s kept simple and a good way to brush up on the creatures and the various protections used to ward them off. Exclusive to the HD release is a “Virtual Field Guide” option that allows you to access the book during key scenes of the film. For example, when Hogsqueal enters the scene for the first time, a little icon appears where if you access it with the remote, you will be taken to his section within the book.

The remaining three featurettes are production-based with nobody claiming that’s it’s all true. These are lengthier pieces ranging from 15 to 20 minutes in length. You get some nice on-set interviews with the cast in “Spiderwick: Meet the Clan”. Again, it’s hard to believe that these American characters are played by heavy-accented foreigners but then again who hasn’t walked around on St Patty’s Day pretending to be a Leprechaun? I imagine it’s just the reverse for them. It also includes some fun footage of Rogan working on the voice of Hogsqueal. “The Making of Spiderwick” is just that as it details everything from production design to props to stuntwork. Interviews with key players behind the cameras are here. Finally, “The Magic of Spiderwick” focuses on the key players in post-production including Phil Tippet and his company of animators. There is also some nice footage of the different forms that Mulgrath took before deciding to go ‘the scary route’. Also included are three deleted scenes (character scenes, no extra monsters) and the film’s theatrical teaser and trailer.

The Spiderwick Chronicles is an easy recommendation, both as a film and as a Blu-ray. With so many densely storied fantasy films on the market, it’s easy to forget to how successful they can be when kept simple. Now that I’ve seen it, I totally regret not catching it in the theater, let alone in Imax. Again, it’s not a coincidence that practically everyone involved, from in front of the camera to behind, is some of the best working today. It’s a perfect mix of talent from the past (Deschanel, Tippet, Short) and present (Walker, Highmore, Rogan) coming together to make a pretty perfect film. My only gripe is that being a conglomerate of all of the books in the series, this inevitably means that this Spiderwick film will be the only Spiderwick film to come. Alas, I would have loved to see more.

KING OF THE GYPSIES

Written by El Fangorio

Okay, this is what happens to the discerning viewer within the first 20 minutes of watching 1979’s King of the Gypsies:

Ethnic music starts to play. Sounds Italian. You may even say to yourself, “Kind of sounds like The Godfather.” Credits start to roll. Sterling Hayden (“Love that guy. Can’t be playing a gypsy though”), Shelley Winters (“Fat and awesome”), Susan Sarandon (“She’ll make a good bug-eyed gypsy”), Judd Hirsch (“No shit? I wish he was my shrink!”), Brooke Shields (“Dude. Some major star power going on here”), Annette O’Toole (“Another natural beauty of the ‘70s. Keep ‘em coming”), Annie Potts (“Ghostbusters!”), and introducing Eric Roberts (“I thought Star80 was his first”).

Fade-in to a gypsy camp during the 1950s while Eric Roberts’ heavy Brooklyn-accented voice-over describes the life of the gypsy. He says it’s great being a gypsy. You’re immune to a lot of laws because you have no birth certificate, therefore you don’t exist in the system. The world is pretty much yours for the taking. You’ll never know an honest day’s work and still live a rich man’s life.

A car bursts into the camp, causing quite the commotion. Out steps the self-proclaimed ‘King and Queen of the Gypsies’ played by…Sterling Hayden and Shelley Winters. He’s got a spray-painted dark beard that resembles burnt cat hair, while she sports long black locks and smokes a Sherlock Holmes pipe. This lily-white Colonel Sanders type is supposed to be King of the Gypsies? Is that a red flag I see?

The leaders of this camp approach the couple. More familiar faces as he’s from Godfather II and his wife is that creepy subway lady from Jacob’s Ladder. The two leaders bicker over the arranged marriage of their two children. Sterling and Winters’ son, Groffo, is to marry this couple’s daughter, Rose, but she does not want to marry him. A promise is a promise though. They will let the elders decide.

Cut to a gypsy bash later that night where the elders decide that the children do not need to get married. They also demand that the King needs to stop calling himself as such and haul ass back to New York where he belongs. The King resents being “fucked like a three-dollar whore” and drives off but not before kidnapping their daughter and running over a few gypsies in the process. Probably not the best way to handle public relations with future in-laws but gypsies are crazy.

The rest of the credits roll: Music by David Grisman (“Never heard of him”), edited by Paul Hirsch (“De Palma’s boy. Very cool”), Director of Photography Sven Nykvist (“Hoorah! I know I’m happy”), produced by Dino De Laurentiis (“Uh-Oh”), and directed by Frank Pierson (“Who is he?”). Better check the IMDB.

It is at the IMDB that you will learn the track record of Mr. Frank Pierson. Let’s see, he makes his first feature film in 1969, The Looking Glass War. It must have bombed because he doesn’t make another film until 1976, the remake of A Star is Born starring Barbara Streisand’s wardrobe, which despite being one of the biggest turkeys known to man, still made a katrillion-jillion dollars thanks to her fanbase alone. The film gods give Pierson one more chance and send him Dino. It is here, with King of the Gypsies, that you will notice his filmography ends, not to pick up again for another seven years (kind of like bad credit), where it will be limited to only TV work. Needless to say, this is red flag #12 and it’s only the prologue.

The arranged couple grows up to be Judd Hirsch and Susan Sarandon, who in turn have two children, David and Tita. These kids learn from an early age, the virtues of gypsy life, which is to lie, cheat, and steal anything that isn’t nailed to the floor. Sarandon (alternating between various accents) is the breadmaker in the family, usually conning the rich out of their money with her fortune telling. The father is a raging alcoholic that beats the kids for trying to attend school.

Soon little David is in on the act, accompanying his mother to a high-end jeweler where they put on a production involving the kid pissing on the floor and distracting officials long enough for him to swallow a big diamond. Cut to a close-up of the kid’s pooper sitting on a rusty saucepan, his hand scratching his butt cheek the entire time. A high-pitched fart is heard, followed by a plinking sound as the diamond shoots out of his ass.

It is now official: the King of the Gypsies, both literally and figuratively, is going to be a shitter.

But unlike most bad movies, Dino’s films are usually a blast to watch. For not only does the DEG logo come with the promise of high production values and star power galore, most importantly it comes with trash. His King Kong, Orca, Flash Gordon, White Buffalo are all shameless rip-offs of more famous films and King of the G’s is no different with its sprawling tale, covering three generations of a strong ethnic family and their struggle to retain power over all others. There are marriage montages, baptism montages, and crime montages. In other words, it’s a big fat Godfather rip-off.

We get one more incarnation of David at the age of nine, running away from the sordid drama of gypsy life and hitting the streets, before Eric Roberts enters the role. Though he is estranged from his family and their people, he still relies on scams to make a living (walking into traffic in the hopes of getting hit, feigning a spill at a supermarket). When he’s not on the make, he’s partying with the upper elite as “everyone wants to make it with a gypsy.” I assume so long as they don’t smell like one and they look like a young Eric Roberts. (Gypsies don’t have computers, right? Just making sure).

Finally, he decides to go legit and finds work as a singing waiter. It is here in the story that the family locates him in the hopes of seeing him return and taking up the role of King of the Gypsies. Grandfather has died and left the role of king to David. Sibling Tita has grown into the beautiful Brooke Shields (here wearing the worst black wig this side of October 31st) but she is still the victim of her father’s abuse. She has been sold, as is the gypsy tradition, to be married. Worse yet, she hates her future husband, as he is fat and ugly. Will David take up the crown and use his power to stop this arrangement? Will his father, already scorned for being passed over as the next king, let David stand in his way to make a buck from this marriage?

It’s interesting that few viewers point out how bad this film is. In fact, most fans seem to recollect this one with nothing but fond memories. Of course most of these people list the shot of Sarandon’s tits as the highlight of the film. Scary stuff considering said scene is the result of Hirsch’s character ripping open her blouse and forcing their grown adult son onto her, the whole time yelling “fuck her. Go on fuck her!” Classy.

I will agree that Eric Roberts (here looking even prettier than his famous sister) does a good job in the film. In later years, his straight-to-video roles would rarely allow him to display some of the raw emotion that landed him his next role in Star80. There is even some eerie foreshadowing to that film when, later on, we see his character brandishing a shotgun, his face splattered with blood. As for the rest of the cast, all have done much better work on other projects.

Fans will be doing a gypsy jig when they get their grubby thieving hands on Legend Films’ recent release. Taken from the vaults over at Paramount, the 1.78 anamorphic transfer does a great job at preserving an otherwise beautiful looking film. Nykvist’s tendencies to use natural lighting and soft-focus can make for a difficult transfer but not here as the results are excellent. There are a few moments of heavy grain but that was probably intentional as these are mostly during low-lit exterior scenes. We are given one sound option, that being its original mono audio track. Subtitles would have been beneficial as many of the actors sound like a cross between French vamp and Brooklyn vampire. Once again, Legend Films wisely uses the film’s original artwork for the DVD case. There are no other extras, not even a trailer so it may not warrant an actual purchase.

I say Dino De Laurent-it, and if that fails, steal it!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

CHARLIE BARTLETT

Written by Senora Bicho

Charlie Barlett
is the story of a troubled high school senior. This in itself is not very original, what is novel about the film is that this senior, in his effort to fit in and achieve the popularity every teen seeks, becomes the school psychiatrist working out of the boy’s restroom. While the story contains some interesting concepts, there is never a strong connection with the characters and the film relies too heavily on stereotypes and overly dramatic moments.

The film opens with Charlie Bartlett (Anton Yelchin) getting expelled from a private school for selling driver’s licenses to the student body. Charlie’s mom (Hope Davis) is unable to buy him out of his troubles and since he has been expelled from a number of prestigious private schools, Charlie must now attend public school. His first day goes as expected: he doesn’t fit it and gets beat up by the resident punk. In an attempt to determine whether or not Charlie has attention deficit disorder, his psychiatrist prescribes Ritalin. After a bad reaction to the drug, Charlie attempts to befriend the punk by making him his business partner in selling the rest of the pills to the student body. This brings him instant popularity and in an effort to continue his bout of fame, he begins conducting therapy sessions and prescribes drugs that are easily obtained by duping various real psychiatrists.

While helping to solve the student’s problems, Charlie falls for the principal’s daughter, Susan (Kat Dennings), gains the popularity he so deeply desired, and learns some important lessons along the way. Of course, the punk turns out to have a heart of gold, the head of the cheerleaders only wants a guy to take her out on a real date, and the captain of football team yearns to be an artist. No surprise, everything magically works out in the end for all involved and everyone is much better off after Charlie’s meddling. While there are certain elements of the film that are thought provoking, overall it is predictable and heavy-handed.

What is most disappointing about the film is the underutilization of some great actors. Robert Downey Jr. does the best he can, with a weak script and poor dialogue, as the high school principal with an alcohol problem; his scenes are the only somewhat bright moments of the picture. Hope Davis is also good as the mom struggling to help her son while trying to deal with her own problems but her character is never fully developed and she comes off at times as just plain crazy.

The special features do not warrant much discussion. There is a commentary track with the director Jon Poll, Yelchin, and Dennings. This is Poll’s directorial debut; his experience is in film editing which is questionable after watching the film. A music video for “Voodoo” by Spiral Beach is also included.

If you are looking for a good film about teenage angst this isn’t it, instead of wasting 90 minutes on this unforgettable mess go with a classic instead, such as The Breakfast Club.

THE LOVE GURU

Written by Hombre Divertido

Mike Myers has developed another character with comedic potential, but fails to provide said character with a script, supporting cast, director, or editor, to round out the comedic equation.

Guru Pitka (Myers) is hired by the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs (Jessica Alba) to council lovelorn superstar Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco). Vern Troyer is thrown in as the coach of the team so that Pitka can make jokes about the vertically challenged Troyer. The addition of Troyer is indicative of the film as a whole. The character of Pitka is funny, but the story is not, subsequently gags are inserted in an effort to add humor where there is none. The technique would work in a post 12:30 Saturday Night Live sketch, but it simply is not enough over the course of this 88-minute disappointment.

Justin Timberlake gives an energized performance as the well-endowed nemesis of Roanoke, but he is the only bright spot in the supporting cast. Alba, Malco, Troyer, and the horribly miscast Ben Kingsley are simply not funny and leave Myers longing for Mindy Sterling, Seth Green, or himself in another character.

Comedic announcers have become a standard in sports-themed films, and here the talented Jim Gaffigan and Stephen Colbert are employed to bring laughs to the hockey scenes. Unfortunately, the writing is so bad, that the only hope for hockey humor is to make Colbert a recovering addict. No goal.

Writers Myers and Graham Gordy manage some funny acronyms for Pitka to spew on his faithful followers, but the well-wishes expression “Mariska Hargitay” went over the heads of the audience. Almost as far over their heads as this assignment went over the head of first time director Marco Schnabel. The pacing is uneven and the set-ups for the jokes are horribly obvious and heavy handed.

Recommendation: The fecal funnies and booger bombs may appeal to the young, but the Myers faithful will be disappointed by this effort. Not enough comedy for a film that is less than an hour and a half long, and certainly less than enough comedy for you to spend your money on.

Friday, June 20, 2008

THE OPTIMISTS

Written by El Fangorio

When you first look at the artwork for Paramount’s 1973 film The Optimists, you would be think it’s a musical. It’s got a colorfully drawn image of Peter Sellers in period costume, smiling away, holding a ukulele and clicking his heels. There’s even a cute little mutt next to him, standing on its hind legs, seemingly dancing. Within this illustration is imagery implying more dancing and singing. Even the lettering used for the title has little suns and stars within its bright blue and gold font, implying sunny days and golden moments of happiness. Alas, you’d be better off sitting outside in the rain writing a suicide letter, than trying to ring some cheerfulness out of this dreary little flick. A self-proclaimed pessimist, I have no problem admitting that I hated The Optimists.

The film concerns itself with the poor ex-vaudevillian Sam (Peter Sellers) who is trying to make a living as a street musician singing the songs of a time gone by that obviously nobody cares about anymore. Even his feeble dog’s attempt at feigning a lame leg seems to go unnoticed by the busy passerby, that is until it catches the attention of two children, siblings Liz and Mark (Donna Mulane and John Chaffey). Their boredom, matched with the unwelcoming situations going on back home, cause them to gravitate towards this seemingly cheerful character and his cute little mongrel. At first Sam is annoyed by their presence as he’s become somewhat jaded of children being alone for so long, but they soon grow on him as he realizes that they look to him for some sort of parental guidance. He goes on to show them some of the important lessons in life (such as responsibility, hard work, even death) and in the end, though the sun still hasn’t come out, they’ve all learned that life isn’t all that bad even in the dreary old perpetually muddy slums of London.

First off, this film isn’t a musical. The only tunes to be heard are the little numbers he plays for the public and though they are certainly more enjoyable than his lack of tips would imply, they are few and short. As for dancing, the dog hopping on one leg is the closest thing you’re going to get. Even that is sort of depressing as again, nobody gives a shit if he’s crippled. Did I mention the dog dies? Now you don’t have to watch the film.

It’s also important to note that this film was originally made with Danny Kaye in mind who would have probably made all the difference since, even when he’s playing a sad man, he still looks like the friendly type you just want to hug and pet on the head. Sellers, probably because he wanted to show a more dramatic side to his persona (this is still six years before Chance the Gardner), plays this part with too much seriousness. I’m pretty sure he would scare most kids, eventually warming up to them and boring them to death.

As for the kids, they do a decent enough job. Like most British children in film, everything they do seems more charming than their American counterparts. I’m pretty sure all parents wish their kids talked with funny British accents and acted like little adults. I know I would if I had children.

The setting are just as cheerless as the kids come from a rotten home where the dad works all day in the factory and the mom stays at home bitching about it. They are so poor that the little boy has to crap in a plastic bowl. Sam also lives in squalor with the pained memories of his dead wife who he still talks about as if she were alive. He’s probably even a little daft but that is to be expected given his situation. Needless to say, these usually don’t make for uplifting cinematic moments unless there’s Gene Wilder and a nearby candy factory involved.

Also, this film takes place entirely on overcast days, making this one dreary little flick. It’s too rainy to even be a ‘rainy-day movie.’ I would understand if it was so that the inevitable breaking of the sun in the end would indicate that all is well again but even then, the sky stays gray. If you’re anything like me, certain films play better at certain times, sometimes certain seasons even (horror films in the evening, Westerns in the summer), but you’d be hard pressed to find the ideal time to watch this. Maybe after a favorite uncle dies? I don’t know.

It’s probably a British thing that I don’t grasp but The Optimists does have its fair amount of fans. Legend Films has done them a favor by rescuing this from the vaults at Paramount with a proper release that boasts a fine transfer considering the elements at hand. Though in a perpetual gloom, the scenery does make for some nice cinematography as only the early ‘70s could, rendering the film’s palette to appear much richer than it really is with its royal blues, burgundy reds, and forest greens. The mono audio isn’t the strongest but that’s probably because everyone talks like bloody fucking Londoners that only bloody fucking Londoners can understand. Needless to say, subtitles would have been a most welcomed addition (something that Legend Films has yet to learn). Like most of their recent releases, Legend Films graces the film’s DVD cover with the original artwork, a practice that I can’t help but commend every time.