MISS MARCH

Written by Pirata Hermosa

With guest appearances by Hugh Hefner, several Playboy Playmates, and a foul-mouthed rapper with an even cruder name, how could this movie be bad? It’s not terrible, but it sure could have been a lot better than it was.

The film was written by, directed by and starred two members of the sketch-comedy group, The Whitest Kids You Know. I say that like everyone knows who they are, but I had never heard of them until now.

Tucker Cleigh (Trevor Moore) and Eugene Bell (Zach Cregger) have been best friends since they were little kids. Eugene is the conservative one, concerned about rules and being a good person, while Tucker is a sex-obsessed pervert who follows his own bible, Playboy magazine.

After giving an abstinence seminar with his girlfriend, Cindi (Raquel Alessi), she gives him an ultimatum. The two of them are going to have sex on Prom night. After a lot of arm-twisting, Eugene agrees. But he is so nervous that he drinks himself into a stupor, falls down the basement stairs, and ends up in a coma.

Four years later, Tucker finally figures out how to bring his friend out of the coma: a quick hard smack to the nose with a baseball bat. Upon awakening, Eugene finds that not only has Cindi abandoned him, but she is also the newest Playboy centerfold. Seeing this as a sign, Tucker kidnaps Eugene from the hospital and the two begin a cross-country trip to the Playboy mansion to find her.

Not really much of a plotline at this point, so they have to throw in the fact that they are being hunted by every fireman in the country. Why every fireman? Because Tucker’s psychotic epileptic girlfriend, Candace (Molly Stanton), is pissed off at him and has her fireman brother, Rick (Geoff Meed), tracking them down.

The biggest issue with the film is that we’ve seen it all before and usually done a lot better. It’s a typical boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back. The character of Tucker comes across as a really bad Jim Carrey impersonation. Even the fireman chasing the two brings back memories of the newspaper delivery boys in Better off Dead.

Of course there are some good parts as well starting with Hugh Hefner and Playboy bunnies. That automatically makes it worth seeing for us guys. I’ve also never seen a woman French kiss a keyhole and open a lock with her tongue. And finally, the stereotypical rapper known as Horsedick.MPEG (Craig Robinson) is one of the best aspects of the film. The first five or six times when people only call him Horsedick and he has to remind them that it’s Horsedick.MPEG is funny, but after that it just becomes annoying.

The DVD has both the theatrical version of the film as well as the unrated version. I choose to watch the unrated version. I really don’t understand what the point of “Unrated Versions” of films is. There’s nothing in the unrated version that couldn’t have been shown in theatres. It seems to be just a marketing gimmick. One day I would really like to see an unrated version that just blows my mind.

The DVD I received also said that it was a Widescreen Version, but it wasn’t. It was just the regular television format.

There were only three special features:

Timmy’s Audition: It was short and moderately entertaining. Timmy is another member of The Whitest Kids You Know and is there auditioning for a part with no speaking lines.

Darren’s Audition: Another group member auditioning for a part in the film, but this time as Eugene’s girlfriend. It was funnier than the first audition but also short.

Down & Dirty with Horsedick.MPEG (Censored Version): I have no idea why this version is censored. I just sat through the film where the F-word was frequently used and had listened to Horsedick.MPEG’s songs “I’m gonna F*** a White Girl,” and “Suck My D*** While I F*** That Ass,” but I guess for a fake mockumentary, I have to have every other word beeped for my protection.